He has grown up a bit since and has matured a bit. He has had less binge drinking episodes, though they still exist. I still feel we are missing a lot in our relationship. I was an easy going person before and now I’m not. I came from a constructive, mature, protective relationship to the opposite. He thinks I overreact – but I know that because of his past behaviour, I am less tolerable. He is an everyday, nice guy – but I really feel like he doesn’t love me. He never goes out of his way for me (birthdays, Christmas etc) though I go out of my way for him. And every time there is an issue with other people, he is never on my side. Even though behind closed doors, we agree and when it gets brought out, he pretends like he never said a word, and I get left to look like an idiot. From this, I realised that he never has my back and we’re never on the same side. Most times we have gone out for dinner and drinks, he always gets too drunk and leaves me behind. I don’t feel safe with him – he is not protective of me at all. The last time he did this, I had my drink spiked and a jerk tried to pull me into his car, and he was none the wiser. I came to the conclusion that he’s completely irresponsible because of the way he was brought up – his Mother did everything. He is nearly 28 and he’s never made a bed in his life. His Mother did his laundry, cleaned his room, cooked every meal until we moved out together. When he had nights out, he would call his Mother at 5am in the morning to come and pick him up etc etc etc. My point being, that he has never had to be responsible, his whole life, so he only worries about himself sometimes. Every time he’s stuffed up, Mother’s always there to fix it. Now that he is married with a child, he still acts the same. I have seen a slight improvement since we have been together but I feel like I’ll be waiting another 10 years before he’s a responsible, caring, protective husband. All I want is a bit of security – not financial security. I want to be able to feel like if we had an intruder, my hubby would protect me. And not just protect himself.

We have had a few recent ‘non protective’ and ‘ not having my back’ incidents recently, which is why I’m googling ‘women considering divorce’. I trust that he’s being faithful and I trust that he doesn’t lie anymore – I just don’t trust that he will ever be on my side, ever have my back or ever protect me.

Is there any hope for our marriage? I do love him. Though I can’t tell you if I’m in love with him. Am I being too hard on him? Am I the one being out of line here?

Any advice will be much appreciated.

For the past 3 years, I have felt alone a lot of the time, and suffered a pretty heavy depression. During that long period, I tried to get him to do fun things with me, but most of the time he was too tired or distracted. Most of my husband and I’s interactions center around our young son. There is no spark between us. I have tried to revive it by making sure we go out and do stuff alone together. But, I think it’s too late. I am in fear I will never feel passion or connection for him again.

About 6 months ago, I started coming out of the depression and getting back to being my old vivacious self. I also started taking better care of myself. Right around this time, I met a friend of a friend who I was extremely attracted to, as was he to me. We have remained friends ever since. I have never physically cheated, but I think I am in love with him. Although he has expressed his desire for me indirectly, he would never ask me to leave my husband as he respects the marital concept and was cheated on by his former wife.

I am very confused. I am not sure that if I decide to end my marriage, whether I will be doing to because it is over or it is because of the other guy. I feel like I am going crazy.

Any advice welcomed.

Thank You

While I can’t tell you whether or not you should leave your husband, I can point out a few things in your comment that make me wonder how happy you are in your marriage!

For instance, you say that your husband may have been unfaithful, but he says you were crazy for suspecting. He disregards your wishes about people staying in your own home. And, you say that you think it’s better to stay in a bad marriage than to leave.

I think you need to pull back and try to look objectively at your life. Are you happy and fulfilled? Do you feel loved and cherished? Are you willing to live like this for the next 27 years — or the rest of your life?

Only you can answer those questions. I encourage you to talk to a therapist to help you be objective about what you want out of your life. You have the power to enter a whole new stage of life! And, you can do that without divorce; it just requires a total change of how you think of your marriage.

Marriage is difficult, but it shouldn’t make us unhappy. If your marriage is causing you pain, stress, and unhappiness, then maybe divorce is the best option.

My best advice is to talk to a counselor, who can sit down with you and help you tune in to what you want most out of your life, your marriage, and your husband.

Let me know how it goes — I’d love to hear from you again!

Blessings,
Laurie
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen´s last blog post..Fear of Success for Writers – Signs of Self-Sabotage in the Writing Life

It really does sound like you can’t take it anymore…fighting all the time does not sound healthy for you, him, or your daughters. You have a great opportunity to leave — staying with your girlfriend might give you the time and space you need to figure out what to do next.

Another option is to consider couples counseling. I don’t know if your husband is willing, but it’s something to think about. Even if you do pursue divorce, it might be good to get counseling so you can part as amicably as possible.

I hope you’re doing well, and welcome an update anytime!

Blessings,
Laurie
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen´s last blog post..Fear of Success for Writers – Signs of Self-Sabotage in the Writing Life

I think it’s important to figure out why you’re scared to talk about the problems in your marriage. Why are you reluctant to be honest with your husband — especially since you know he’d do anything for you? Are you scared of rocking the boat or creating conflict? Are you worried about hurting him?

My second thought is that you might benefit from talking to a counselor about what you want out of life. At the very least, read books about authenticity and living your best life! Some of my favorite books about life, wisdom, and insight are in the left column of this page — click on them for more info.

You need to figure out what you want out of the next half of your life. Don’t live with unhappiness, fear, or boredom! Think about changing your life in big and little ways: getting a new job, going back to school, volunteering with a needy organization or hospital, joining a hiking or sailing club…you CAN live an interesting, exciting life — but first you need to figure out what you want. And, you’re the only person who can do that…with the help of some great books and perhaps a counseling session or two

What do you think of this?

Laurie
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen´s last blog post..Why Couples Break Up – 10 Types of Relationship Problems

That’s an interesting question, about whether or not you should take your daughter with you. I think you need to decide what’s in her best interests. Is she better off with you, or with her father? Who can take better care of her? That should be your deciding factor.

And remember, if you leave your daughter with your husband when you leave him, then you may have trouble seeing her. He may not be willing to grant visitation rights, and may be able to use your leaving her against you later, in court.

I also think you should be honest about why you’re leaving your husband (if you decide to leave, of course!). Don’t lie or try to cover up the truth…if his behavior caused you to leave, then you need to be honest about that with people. Even family members.

I wish you all the best, and hope you two live happily ever after!

Blessings,
Laurie
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen´s last blog post..Why Couples Break Up – 10 Types of Relationship Problems