First, two quotations about divorce from strong women in history: Zsa Zsa Gabor and Margaret Atwood….
“I’m an excellent housekeeper,” said Zsa Zsa Gabor. “Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.”
On a more serious note, Margaret Atwood said, “A divorce is like an amputation; you survive it, but there’s less of you.”
If you’re a woman considering divorce, you need to know the signs that indicate it’s time to leave your husband. Unhappy marriages often have solid indications that divorce is inevitable, according to Contemplating Divorce: A Step-by-Step Guide to Deciding Whether to Stay or Go by Susan Pease Gadoua. Click the book cover for details, and read on for signs you should leave your husband…
For Women Considering Divorce – Signs You Should Leave Your Husband
“There are certain factors that suggest a relationship is workable and salvageable,” writes Gadoua. “There are other factors in marriages that, if present, indicate a low probability that the relationship will be healthy or fulfilling. I call these workability factors.”
Here’s a list of Gadoua’s indications of unhappy marriages, specifically related to safety, love, and esteem needs (based on Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs).
You might consider divorce if your safety needs aren’t being met because of…
- Lack of trust
- Pathological dishonesty
- Lack of mental, emotional, physical, or financial safety
- Abuse (read Stages of Leaving an Abusive Relationship for more info)
- No communication
You might work on saving the marriage if trust was broken but is reparable, if there’s a mutual desire to create a safe environment, if there is care, concern, and communication.
It may be time to leave your husband if these love needs aren’t being met:
- Absence of mutual love
- Infidelity
- No shared interests
- One or both spouses aren’t fully committed to the marriage
- One-sided relationship
If you’re considering divorce, you might think about saving your marriage if there is a foundation of mutual love, if both partners are willing to work through physical or emotional infidelity, and if both spouses are willing to recommit to staying married.
But remember: love doesn’t conquer all! You can love your husband with all your heart, but not be able to build a strong, happy marriage together – especially if you’ve lost your personal identity. The lack of romantic love may not always lead to divorce, and the presence of love doesn’t lead to a happy marriage. As Zsa Zsa Gabor said, “Getting divorced just because you don’t love a man is almost as silly as getting married just because you do.”
You might consider divorce if your esteem needs aren’t being met because of…
- No esteem from self or spouse, and no desire to change
- No respect at all from spouse
- No common goals
- Unwillingness of at least one spouse to work on marriage
Does your marriage have a foundation of respect, some common goals, and a willingness to work on esteem and marriage issues on the part of both partners? If so, it might be worthwhile to try to save your marriage.
There are no quick and easy answers for women considering divorce – and even the surest signs that it may be time to leave your husband can be complicated and confusing.
“I’ve had countless clients tell me that they don’t want to divorce because they are afraid of losing the co-parenting relationship or their spouse’s income, only to eventually realize that they alone already carry the load of responsibilities,” says Gadoua. “The spouse doesn’t contribute to the marriage but, rather, takes from it.”
Sometimes, divorce for women leads to an easier, more liberated, happier life – especially if you’re leaving an emotionally or mentally abusive relationship.
A final thought from Zsa Zsa Gabor:
“You never really know a man until you have divorced him.”
If you’re considering divorce and have questions or thoughts on these signs it’s time to leave your husband, please comment below…
If you want to get your marriage back on track, you may find Save My Marriage Today helpful — it includes how to avoid the most common reasons for divorce.
Laurie .-= Laurie...
Interesting timing for me to read this article today, Laurie, as Richard and I are celebrating our 10th wedding anniversary today! I thought the points you mentioned are so important and the way you covered both sides (divorce or save the marriage) was done so well.
I just want to share my two bits here because I know what a difficult decision this is for women, particularly when children are involved or if they rely on their husband’s income. I’ve worked with clients to help them make the best decision for themselves and there have also been times when I’ve contemplated leaving my marriage during difficult periods.
But what has kept me in it and saved our marriage at times is when I have looked at the difficult situations from the perspective of “what can I learn from this and how can I grow”, instead of pointing the finger at my husband (which feels powerless and painful to feel out of control as though it is all their fault and they must change).
There have been times when I felt I was carrying the relationship, not being loved etc. etc. Yet those times when I turned inward, allowed myself to see where I needed to love myself more, and stopped caretaking the relationship were the times when I grew and the relationship shifted into a positive direction. Change in one area creates change in another and it starts with ourselves. Of course, if things didn’t shift, I wouldn’t have stayed. I’m glad they did though!
Gini
Gini Grey´s last blog post..Courage
Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Gini. Contemplating divorce must be one of the most difficult things about marriage — it’s probably a more agonizing decision than whether to get married in the first place!
Turning inward and accepting responsibility for what you can and can’t change is so important. You’re right; it does start with ourselves.
I’m glad you stayed married — I have heard of people who divorced too early and regretted it.
Sometimes I think the biggest problem is that we have this ideals we think love and marriage should be like. These fantasy ideals come from Hollywood movies, TV sitcoms about marriage, romance novels…we don’t realize that marriage is HARD WORK! So, when it gets tough (and all marriages face tough times), our first thoughts are that the marriage won’t survive and we think of divorce.
But, each case and every marriage is different….and what works for some doesn’t work for others!
Laurie
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I’m thinking about leaving my husband because I’m bored with our marriage and just want to be single again. We don’t have any of the signs you should get a divorce you listed above, but sometimes it doesn’t matter if all the signs are there. Sometimes you need to leave your marriage because it’s suffocating you, I guess that’s the “love needs” not being met.
Hi Allison,
Yes, I can see how the article above doesn’t include all the possible reasons to leave your husband…I don’t think I listed boredom or suffocation!
Have you considered marriage or individual counseling, to see if there’s a reason you’re feeling suffocated? Sometimes things in our overall life or personality make us feel certain ways, and we blame our spouse….sometimes leaving the marriage isn’t the answer.
Just a thought. Thanks for your comment, and I wish you all the best.
Laurie
Laurie PK´s last blog post..Relationship Breakup Help – How to Survive the Emotions After Breaking Up
Thanks for your breakup advice. I appreciate it.
Thanks for the insightful post. I think you made some good points.
Thanks for taking the time to comment, Laura and Cory! I’m glad this post helped…
Laurie PK´s last blog post..How to Do Your Christmas Shopping Online – Holiday Gift Tips
Great blog! Loved the article about Women Considering Divorce – Signs It’s Time to Leave Your Husband. Thanks
Thanks for your comment, James — I hope to hear from you again!
Laurie
Laurie PK´s last blog post..Tips for Introverts – 6 Ways to Reduce Christmas Stress and Anxiety
I just told my husband I want out of our marriage. We have been married 12 years. Early in our marriage we were young and immature and overwhlemed with young children and new careers and did not know how to be there for each other. During a time when I felt especially alone and unloved I cheated once. I came clean to my husband a year later in efforts to create a clean slate and create a better marriage. However, 6 years later, my husband still cannot let it go. We have learned to be respectful and caring toward each other as we have grown older, but every couple of months we have horrible blowups over small things in which he brings up my infidelity and says he has no respect for himself for staying. Our sex life is almost non-existent due to the holding on to the past and my being turned off by his passiveness. We had been planning a vow renewal, but I just cannot go on on this emotional rollercoaster. He does not want me to go, but to me he has not shown that he wants to heal and move on– beneath the everyday facade of a healthy relationship is this unforgiveness which erupts every so often. Counseling and other resources don’t help because I truly believe he does not want to start anew. I feel that divorce may be the only way to feel better about myself and my future, and for him to feel better about himself.
Hi Donna,
I hope you’re doing well as you plan to leave your husband…that’s a difficult decision even when you know it’s the best for both of you!
Sometimes, divorce really is the best option.
If you need to vent your feelings or process the whole experience, please feel free to come back anytime.
Wishing you the best,
Laurie
Laurie PK´s last blog post..Teaching Kids about Money at Christmas – Tips for Parents
Hi, I was wondering if you could give me some insight into where I stand. I think my husband and I are engaged in a cycle of abuse. His outbursts are few and far between, but when they do occur he can be aggressive. This last time, it got to the point where he became physical. We’ve talked it through, he says he is sorry and I’ve promised myself that if it ever happens again, I’m straight out the door. My question is, where do I stand with regards to my daughter. If and when I pack my bags and leave, do I take her with me? He’s an amazing father and I don’t want to imply in any way that he is losing any sort of rights to her.Also, if and when I do leave, I don’t want it to be known publicly that it’s because of the physical violence, as that would cause all sorts of tensions and problems with our extended families which are unnecessary – I don’t for a second fear for my daughter’s safety, and I don’t believe he would ever do me any serious physical harm, even though in the heat of the moment I become very scared of him, it’s more about intimidation than anything else. So,if I leave him in the heat of the moment, does my 2 year old come with me?
Hello
I have been married 22 years to the same man, started young with children. I have been feeling more and more like I am in a loveless spot. I know my husband loves me, would do anything ask. I feel I am not in love with him. I am scared to bring it up, but we dont talk anymore, any sex life has been gone for about a year. Our children are grown and into their own lives. I feel as if family and friends would not understand, but I dont want to see him unhappy anymore and I am making him this way. What to do?
Hi Michelle,
That’s an interesting question, about whether or not you should take your daughter with you. I think you need to decide what’s in her best interests. Is she better off with you, or with her father? Who can take better care of her? That should be your deciding factor.
And remember, if you leave your daughter with your husband when you leave him, then you may have trouble seeing her. He may not be willing to grant visitation rights, and may be able to use your leaving her against you later, in court.
I also think you should be honest about why you’re leaving your husband (if you decide to leave, of course!). Don’t lie or try to cover up the truth…if his behavior caused you to leave, then you need to be honest about that with people. Even family members.
I wish you all the best, and hope you two live happily ever after!
Blessings,
Laurie
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen´s last blog post..Why Couples Break Up – 10 Types of Relationship Problems
Hi Amy,
I think it’s important to figure out why you’re scared to talk about the problems in your marriage. Why are you reluctant to be honest with your husband — especially since you know he’d do anything for you? Are you scared of rocking the boat or creating conflict? Are you worried about hurting him?
My second thought is that you might benefit from talking to a counselor about what you want out of life. At the very least, read books about authenticity and living your best life! Some of my favorite books about life, wisdom, and insight are in the left column of this page — click on them for more info.
You need to figure out what you want out of the next half of your life. Don’t live with unhappiness, fear, or boredom! Think about changing your life in big and little ways: getting a new job, going back to school, volunteering with a needy organization or hospital, joining a hiking or sailing club…you CAN live an interesting, exciting life — but first you need to figure out what you want. And, you’re the only person who can do that…with the help of some great books and perhaps a counseling session or two
What do you think of this?
Laurie
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen´s last blog post..Why Couples Break Up – 10 Types of Relationship Problems
I have been married for 14 years and the last 2 years of our marriage have been a disaster. From foreclosure on our house to an affair(I had the affair and it ended 1 1/2 ago) intertwind with his drinking problems, money issues, his family hates me and I am not allowed in thier home and much more. I am at the point that I am so over it and he will not let go. We fight all the time and I have 2 children age 13 and 15 and it is affecting them. My 15yr old is my from a previous relationship but the 13yr old is ours. He puts them in the middle constantly. He told them about my affair. He does not play nicely. I know it hurt him when I cheated but he is hateful and says hurtful things. Can I just up and leave and take the kids. I have little money, But my single girlfriend just bought a house and has plenty of room for me and the girls. He is mentally beating me down and I can’t take it anymore!!!
After 27 years of marriage and three children, I am fast approaching an empty nest with my youngest graduating from high school this year, and I am seriously considering divorce. I have suspected my husband of infidelity in the past, though of course he denies it, and has called me crazy for suspecting. I suppose the final straw came this past summer when his older brother wanted to come visit and bring his family of 6 grown children to stay in our apartment. I was firmly opposed to the idea. Firstly because of space. Secondly, I really do not like this brother and his wife, who has always been verbally abusive to our family. My husband felt a duty to say yes to his older brother. He said I was being petty, and accused me of trying to cause trouble with his brother. I was very upset because I felt betrayed. I left with my son the same day their flight landed. This was not the first time my husband ignored my wishes about people visiting and staying with us….I am one of those women who feels that it is financially better to stay in a bad marriage than to leave. With my youngest leaving home for college, I do not feel the need to linger in this marriage any longer. What do you advise?
Dear Christina,
It really does sound like you can’t take it anymore…fighting all the time does not sound healthy for you, him, or your daughters. You have a great opportunity to leave — staying with your girlfriend might give you the time and space you need to figure out what to do next.
Another option is to consider couples counseling. I don’t know if your husband is willing, but it’s something to think about. Even if you do pursue divorce, it might be good to get counseling so you can part as amicably as possible.
I hope you’re doing well, and welcome an update anytime!
Blessings,
Laurie
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen´s last blog post..Fear of Success for Writers – Signs of Self-Sabotage in the Writing Life
Hi June,
While I can’t tell you whether or not you should leave your husband, I can point out a few things in your comment that make me wonder how happy you are in your marriage!
For instance, you say that your husband may have been unfaithful, but he says you were crazy for suspecting. He disregards your wishes about people staying in your own home. And, you say that you think it’s better to stay in a bad marriage than to leave.
I think you need to pull back and try to look objectively at your life. Are you happy and fulfilled? Do you feel loved and cherished? Are you willing to live like this for the next 27 years — or the rest of your life?
Only you can answer those questions. I encourage you to talk to a therapist to help you be objective about what you want out of your life. You have the power to enter a whole new stage of life! And, you can do that without divorce; it just requires a total change of how you think of your marriage.
Marriage is difficult, but it shouldn’t make us unhappy. If your marriage is causing you pain, stress, and unhappiness, then maybe divorce is the best option.
My best advice is to talk to a counselor, who can sit down with you and help you tune in to what you want most out of your life, your marriage, and your husband.
Let me know how it goes — I’d love to hear from you again!
Blessings,
Laurie
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen´s last blog post..Fear of Success for Writers – Signs of Self-Sabotage in the Writing Life
I am in a very unhappy marriage of almost 27 years; three boys, and a husband who is 15 years older than me. My husband has always been disconnected from our marriage and family. He has always acted like he is single i.e. coming home when he pleases, my not knowing where he is at any time of the day, not communicating with me or the boys, not discussing any issue or helping with any decision that needs to be made in the household, etc. etc. etc. I once asked him if something happened to one of the boys and a life or death decision had to be made, how was I to make it without knowing where he is at? His response was “your a parent; you can make that decision.” Wow – how do you suppose that made me feel. The final straw was on Nov. 1st after being gone for the weekend for a church youth gathering, I came home. After some questioning, it was like pulling teeth to get an answer from him, mainly about my mom who is in failing health and me being her POA need to know information about her. His comment was “It’s not important to you!” I blew up and said that is the way I am and if after 26 years, he didn’t know that then it was time for us to split. I have not spoken to him since. I have moved into the guest bedroom and have absolutely nothing to do with him. I can hardly stand to be in the same room with him. I have asked 4 times, twice in writing, for him to go and get some help as I have already talked to my pastor. He has not done so; as in the past, actions speak louder than words. His not willing to talk with someone is telling me he does not care about our relationship or marriage. He doesn’t try to talk about our situation or do anything about it. He is a carpenter but he does nothing and fixes nothing in our home. He takes out the garbage once a week and that is it. What do I do? Is our marriage salvageable? He has gotten “old” on me (62) and I do not want to live the rest of my life like this. No communication, no spontaneous hugs or looks or anything. In a previous post you asked Do you feel loved and cherished? Never! Forgotten birthdays, mother’s day, valentine’s, year after year after year. When I need to blow off steam about dealings with my mom and siblings (or anything else for that matter), he walks out of the room. “I can’t fix it” is his response to me. So I have no emotional support, no one to lean on when I need it. Just to be there for me. Isn’t a marriage supposed to be more than this? I feel like I have been a single mom for so long, I don’t think I would even feel it if he was gone. We are definitely not on the same page, or even the same book, for that matter! Can I ask him to leave? Do I pack up myself and my 13 year old and leave? As stated before, I have always taken care of everything in the household, finances, bills, repairs, groceries, etc. I just don’t know what to do but I do know I am tired of this.
I have been with my husband for 12 years. Right before I met him, I had just come out of a very intense 5-year relationship. It was one of those firey, intellectually combative types right out of a romance novel or a dramatic love story. I think I chose my husband at the time because he was more practical, down to earth easy to get along with. I loved him, but we have never had a really strong connection.
For the past 3 years, I have felt alone a lot of the time, and suffered a pretty heavy depression. During that long period, I tried to get him to do fun things with me, but most of the time he was too tired or distracted. Most of my husband and I’s interactions center around our young son. There is no spark between us. I have tried to revive it by making sure we go out and do stuff alone together. But, I think it’s too late. I am in fear I will never feel passion or connection for him again.
About 6 months ago, I started coming out of the depression and getting back to being my old vivacious self. I also started taking better care of myself. Right around this time, I met a friend of a friend who I was extremely attracted to, as was he to me. We have remained friends ever since. I have never physically cheated, but I think I am in love with him. Although he has expressed his desire for me indirectly, he would never ask me to leave my husband as he respects the marital concept and was cheated on by his former wife.
I am very confused. I am not sure that if I decide to end my marriage, whether I will be doing to because it is over or it is because of the other guy. I feel like I am going crazy.
Any advice welcomed.
Thank You
I have been married for about a year and a half. It is hard to sum it up in so many words. My husband and I were only dating briefly before we fell in love. It only took a couple of weeks. I fell pregnant about 4 months down the track – where we thought getting married was ‘the right thing to do’. During our engagement, I saw another side to my partner – an immature, deeply selfish person with a huge wandering eye and a binge drinking problem. Drunk = nasty, abusive person. During my pregnancy, he left me at home on the couch, while he was out partying till early hours in the morning. And then come home, wake me up and call me a ’slut’. This happened countless times. Though I convinced myself that because he isn’t like this when he’s sober, it’s tolerable. And I didn’t want to walk away from the relationship because I was pregnant. He moved out of home (for the first time) so we could live together, and although I was working longer hours and visibly pregnant, I still came to cook and cleaned, while he watched TV. After many arguements, the birth of our daughter and many doubts later, I still walked down the aisle. While we were saying our vowels, it just didn’t feel right. I wasn’t as happy as I should have been. The night of our wedding (at the hotel), was spent arguing because he didn’t know who I was because he had to much to drink. I spent a few hours convincing him that I am his wife, before he passed out.
He has grown up a bit since and has matured a bit. He has had less binge drinking episodes, though they still exist. I still feel we are missing a lot in our relationship. I was an easy going person before and now I’m not. I came from a constructive, mature, protective relationship to the opposite. He thinks I overreact – but I know that because of his past behaviour, I am less tolerable. He is an everyday, nice guy – but I really feel like he doesn’t love me. He never goes out of his way for me (birthdays, Christmas etc) though I go out of my way for him. And every time there is an issue with other people, he is never on my side. Even though behind closed doors, we agree and when it gets brought out, he pretends like he never said a word, and I get left to look like an idiot. From this, I realised that he never has my back and we’re never on the same side. Most times we have gone out for dinner and drinks, he always gets too drunk and leaves me behind. I don’t feel safe with him – he is not protective of me at all. The last time he did this, I had my drink spiked and a jerk tried to pull me into his car, and he was none the wiser. I came to the conclusion that he’s completely irresponsible because of the way he was brought up – his Mother did everything. He is nearly 28 and he’s never made a bed in his life. His Mother did his laundry, cleaned his room, cooked every meal until we moved out together. When he had nights out, he would call his Mother at 5am in the morning to come and pick him up etc etc etc. My point being, that he has never had to be responsible, his whole life, so he only worries about himself sometimes. Every time he’s stuffed up, Mother’s always there to fix it. Now that he is married with a child, he still acts the same. I have seen a slight improvement since we have been together but I feel like I’ll be waiting another 10 years before he’s a responsible, caring, protective husband. All I want is a bit of security – not financial security. I want to be able to feel like if we had an intruder, my hubby would protect me. And not just protect himself.
We have had a few recent ‘non protective’ and ‘ not having my back’ incidents recently, which is why I’m googling ‘women considering divorce’. I trust that he’s being faithful and I trust that he doesn’t lie anymore – I just don’t trust that he will ever be on my side, ever have my back or ever protect me.
Is there any hope for our marriage? I do love him. Though I can’t tell you if I’m in love with him. Am I being too hard on him? Am I the one being out of line here?
Any advice will be much appreciated.