First, two quotations about divorce from strong women in history: Zsa Zsa Gabor and Margaret Atwood….
“I’m an excellent housekeeper,” said Zsa Zsa Gabor. “Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.”
On a more serious note, Margaret Atwood said, “A divorce is like an amputation; you survive it, but there’s less of you.”
If you’re a woman considering divorce, you need to know the signs that indicate it’s time to leave your husband. Unhappy marriages often have solid indications that divorce is inevitable, according to Contemplating Divorce: A Step-by-Step Guide to Deciding Whether to Stay or Go by Susan Pease Gadoua. Click the book cover for details, and read on for signs you should leave your husband…
For Women Considering Divorce – Signs You Should Leave Your Husband
“There are certain factors that suggest a relationship is workable and salvageable,” writes Gadoua. “There are other factors in marriages that, if present, indicate a low probability that the relationship will be healthy or fulfilling. I call these workability factors.”
Here’s a list of Gadoua’s indications of unhappy marriages, specifically related to safety, love, and esteem needs (based on Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs).
You might consider divorce if your safety needs aren’t being met because of…
- Lack of trust
- Pathological dishonesty
- Lack of mental, emotional, physical, or financial safety
- Abuse (read Stages of Leaving an Abusive Relationship for more info)
- No communication
You might work on saving the marriage if trust was broken but is reparable, if there’s a mutual desire to create a safe environment, if there is care, concern, and communication.
It may be time to leave your husband if these love needs aren’t being met:
- Absence of mutual love
- Infidelity
- No shared interests
- One or both spouses aren’t fully committed to the marriage
- One-sided relationship
If you’re considering divorce, you might think about saving your marriage if there is a foundation of mutual love, if both partners are willing to work through physical or emotional infidelity, and if both spouses are willing to recommit to staying married.
But remember: love doesn’t conquer all! You can love your husband with all your heart, but not be able to build a strong, happy marriage together – especially if you’ve lost your personal identity. The lack of romantic love may not always lead to divorce, and the presence of love doesn’t lead to a happy marriage. As Zsa Zsa Gabor said, “Getting divorced just because you don’t love a man is almost as silly as getting married just because you do.”
You might consider divorce if your esteem needs aren’t being met because of…
- No esteem from self or spouse, and no desire to change
- No respect at all from spouse
- No common goals
- Unwillingness of at least one spouse to work on marriage
Does your marriage have a foundation of respect, some common goals, and a willingness to work on esteem and marriage issues on the part of both partners? If so, it might be worthwhile to try to save your marriage.
There are no quick and easy answers for women considering divorce – and even the surest signs that it may be time to leave your husband can be complicated and confusing.
“I’ve had countless clients tell me that they don’t want to divorce because they are afraid of losing the co-parenting relationship or their spouse’s income, only to eventually realize that they alone already carry the load of responsibilities,” says Gadoua. “The spouse doesn’t contribute to the marriage but, rather, takes from it.”
Sometimes, divorce for women leads to an easier, more liberated, happier life – especially if you’re leaving an emotionally or mentally abusive relationship.
A final thought from Zsa Zsa Gabor:
“You never really know a man until you have divorced him.”
If you’re considering divorce and have questions or thoughts on these signs it’s time to leave your husband, please comment below…
If you want to get your marriage back on track, you may find Save My Marriage Today helpful — it includes how to avoid the most common reasons for divorce.
Interesting timing for me to read this article today, Laurie, as Richard and I are celebrating our 10th wedding anniversary today! I thought the points you mentioned are so important and the way you covered both sides (divorce or save the marriage) was done so well.
I just want to share my two bits here because I know what a difficult decision this is for women, particularly when children are involved or if they rely on their husband’s income. I’ve worked with clients to help them make the best decision for themselves and there have also been times when I’ve contemplated leaving my marriage during difficult periods.
But what has kept me in it and saved our marriage at times is when I have looked at the difficult situations from the perspective of “what can I learn from this and how can I grow”, instead of pointing the finger at my husband (which feels powerless and painful to feel out of control as though it is all their fault and they must change).
There have been times when I felt I was carrying the relationship, not being loved etc. etc. Yet those times when I turned inward, allowed myself to see where I needed to love myself more, and stopped caretaking the relationship were the times when I grew and the relationship shifted into a positive direction. Change in one area creates change in another and it starts with ourselves. Of course, if things didn’t shift, I wouldn’t have stayed. I’m glad they did though!
Gini
Gini Grey´s last blog post..Courage
Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Gini. Contemplating divorce must be one of the most difficult things about marriage — it’s probably a more agonizing decision than whether to get married in the first place!
Turning inward and accepting responsibility for what you can and can’t change is so important. You’re right; it does start with ourselves.
I’m glad you stayed married — I have heard of people who divorced too early and regretted it.
Sometimes I think the biggest problem is that we have this ideals we think love and marriage should be like. These fantasy ideals come from Hollywood movies, TV sitcoms about marriage, romance novels…we don’t realize that marriage is HARD WORK! So, when it gets tough (and all marriages face tough times), our first thoughts are that the marriage won’t survive and we think of divorce.
But, each case and every marriage is different….and what works for some doesn’t work for others!
Laurie
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I’m thinking about leaving my husband because I’m bored with our marriage and just want to be single again. We don’t have any of the signs you should get a divorce you listed above, but sometimes it doesn’t matter if all the signs are there. Sometimes you need to leave your marriage because it’s suffocating you, I guess that’s the “love needs” not being met.
Hi Allison,
Yes, I can see how the article above doesn’t include all the possible reasons to leave your husband…I don’t think I listed boredom or suffocation!
Have you considered marriage or individual counseling, to see if there’s a reason you’re feeling suffocated? Sometimes things in our overall life or personality make us feel certain ways, and we blame our spouse….sometimes leaving the marriage isn’t the answer.
Just a thought. Thanks for your comment, and I wish you all the best.
Laurie
Laurie PK´s last blog post..Relationship Breakup Help – How to Survive the Emotions After Breaking Up
Thanks for your breakup advice. I appreciate it.
Thanks for the insightful post. I think you made some good points.
Thanks for taking the time to comment, Laura and Cory! I’m glad this post helped…
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Great blog! Loved the article about Women Considering Divorce – Signs It’s Time to Leave Your Husband. Thanks
Thanks for your comment, James — I hope to hear from you again!
Laurie
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I just told my husband I want out of our marriage. We have been married 12 years. Early in our marriage we were young and immature and overwhlemed with young children and new careers and did not know how to be there for each other. During a time when I felt especially alone and unloved I cheated once. I came clean to my husband a year later in efforts to create a clean slate and create a better marriage. However, 6 years later, my husband still cannot let it go. We have learned to be respectful and caring toward each other as we have grown older, but every couple of months we have horrible blowups over small things in which he brings up my infidelity and says he has no respect for himself for staying. Our sex life is almost non-existent due to the holding on to the past and my being turned off by his passiveness. We had been planning a vow renewal, but I just cannot go on on this emotional rollercoaster. He does not want me to go, but to me he has not shown that he wants to heal and move on– beneath the everyday facade of a healthy relationship is this unforgiveness which erupts every so often. Counseling and other resources don’t help because I truly believe he does not want to start anew. I feel that divorce may be the only way to feel better about myself and my future, and for him to feel better about himself.
Hi Donna,
I hope you’re doing well as you plan to leave your husband…that’s a difficult decision even when you know it’s the best for both of you!
Sometimes, divorce really is the best option.
If you need to vent your feelings or process the whole experience, please feel free to come back anytime.
Wishing you the best,
Laurie
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Hi, I was wondering if you could give me some insight into where I stand. I think my husband and I are engaged in a cycle of abuse. His outbursts are few and far between, but when they do occur he can be aggressive. This last time, it got to the point where he became physical. We’ve talked it through, he says he is sorry and I’ve promised myself that if it ever happens again, I’m straight out the door. My question is, where do I stand with regards to my daughter. If and when I pack my bags and leave, do I take her with me? He’s an amazing father and I don’t want to imply in any way that he is losing any sort of rights to her.Also, if and when I do leave, I don’t want it to be known publicly that it’s because of the physical violence, as that would cause all sorts of tensions and problems with our extended families which are unnecessary – I don’t for a second fear for my daughter’s safety, and I don’t believe he would ever do me any serious physical harm, even though in the heat of the moment I become very scared of him, it’s more about intimidation than anything else. So,if I leave him in the heat of the moment, does my 2 year old come with me?
Hello
I have been married 22 years to the same man, started young with children. I have been feeling more and more like I am in a loveless spot. I know my husband loves me, would do anything ask. I feel I am not in love with him. I am scared to bring it up, but we dont talk anymore, any sex life has been gone for about a year. Our children are grown and into their own lives. I feel as if family and friends would not understand, but I dont want to see him unhappy anymore and I am making him this way. What to do?
Hi Michelle,
That’s an interesting question, about whether or not you should take your daughter with you. I think you need to decide what’s in her best interests. Is she better off with you, or with her father? Who can take better care of her? That should be your deciding factor.
And remember, if you leave your daughter with your husband when you leave him, then you may have trouble seeing her. He may not be willing to grant visitation rights, and may be able to use your leaving her against you later, in court.
I also think you should be honest about why you’re leaving your husband (if you decide to leave, of course!). Don’t lie or try to cover up the truth…if his behavior caused you to leave, then you need to be honest about that with people. Even family members.
I wish you all the best, and hope you two live happily ever after!
Blessings,
Laurie
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen´s last blog post..Why Couples Break Up – 10 Types of Relationship Problems
Hi Amy,
I think it’s important to figure out why you’re scared to talk about the problems in your marriage. Why are you reluctant to be honest with your husband — especially since you know he’d do anything for you? Are you scared of rocking the boat or creating conflict? Are you worried about hurting him?
My second thought is that you might benefit from talking to a counselor about what you want out of life. At the very least, read books about authenticity and living your best life! Some of my favorite books about life, wisdom, and insight are in the left column of this page — click on them for more info.
You need to figure out what you want out of the next half of your life. Don’t live with unhappiness, fear, or boredom! Think about changing your life in big and little ways: getting a new job, going back to school, volunteering with a needy organization or hospital, joining a hiking or sailing club…you CAN live an interesting, exciting life — but first you need to figure out what you want. And, you’re the only person who can do that…with the help of some great books and perhaps a counseling session or two
What do you think of this?
Laurie
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen´s last blog post..Why Couples Break Up – 10 Types of Relationship Problems
I have been married for 14 years and the last 2 years of our marriage have been a disaster. From foreclosure on our house to an affair(I had the affair and it ended 1 1/2 ago) intertwind with his drinking problems, money issues, his family hates me and I am not allowed in thier home and much more. I am at the point that I am so over it and he will not let go. We fight all the time and I have 2 children age 13 and 15 and it is affecting them. My 15yr old is my from a previous relationship but the 13yr old is ours. He puts them in the middle constantly. He told them about my affair. He does not play nicely. I know it hurt him when I cheated but he is hateful and says hurtful things. Can I just up and leave and take the kids. I have little money, But my single girlfriend just bought a house and has plenty of room for me and the girls. He is mentally beating me down and I can’t take it anymore!!!
After 27 years of marriage and three children, I am fast approaching an empty nest with my youngest graduating from high school this year, and I am seriously considering divorce. I have suspected my husband of infidelity in the past, though of course he denies it, and has called me crazy for suspecting. I suppose the final straw came this past summer when his older brother wanted to come visit and bring his family of 6 grown children to stay in our apartment. I was firmly opposed to the idea. Firstly because of space. Secondly, I really do not like this brother and his wife, who has always been verbally abusive to our family. My husband felt a duty to say yes to his older brother. He said I was being petty, and accused me of trying to cause trouble with his brother. I was very upset because I felt betrayed. I left with my son the same day their flight landed. This was not the first time my husband ignored my wishes about people visiting and staying with us….I am one of those women who feels that it is financially better to stay in a bad marriage than to leave. With my youngest leaving home for college, I do not feel the need to linger in this marriage any longer. What do you advise?
Dear Christina,
It really does sound like you can’t take it anymore…fighting all the time does not sound healthy for you, him, or your daughters. You have a great opportunity to leave — staying with your girlfriend might give you the time and space you need to figure out what to do next.
Another option is to consider couples counseling. I don’t know if your husband is willing, but it’s something to think about. Even if you do pursue divorce, it might be good to get counseling so you can part as amicably as possible.
I hope you’re doing well, and welcome an update anytime!
Blessings,
Laurie
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen´s last blog post..Fear of Success for Writers – Signs of Self-Sabotage in the Writing Life
Hi June,
While I can’t tell you whether or not you should leave your husband, I can point out a few things in your comment that make me wonder how happy you are in your marriage!
For instance, you say that your husband may have been unfaithful, but he says you were crazy for suspecting. He disregards your wishes about people staying in your own home. And, you say that you think it’s better to stay in a bad marriage than to leave.
I think you need to pull back and try to look objectively at your life. Are you happy and fulfilled? Do you feel loved and cherished? Are you willing to live like this for the next 27 years — or the rest of your life?
Only you can answer those questions. I encourage you to talk to a therapist to help you be objective about what you want out of your life. You have the power to enter a whole new stage of life! And, you can do that without divorce; it just requires a total change of how you think of your marriage.
Marriage is difficult, but it shouldn’t make us unhappy. If your marriage is causing you pain, stress, and unhappiness, then maybe divorce is the best option.
My best advice is to talk to a counselor, who can sit down with you and help you tune in to what you want most out of your life, your marriage, and your husband.
Let me know how it goes — I’d love to hear from you again!
Blessings,
Laurie
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