Here’s what Steve said on my Tips for Surviving an Emotional Affair article on Quips & Tips for Achieving Your Goals. He had an internet affair and wants to know how to save his marriage:
“I love my wife and kids so much. I would normally say I’m a great husband and father. I just made the biggest mistake of my life. I want to be with my wife and kids. Do I have a chance of saving my marriage and life? After reading about emotional affairs and doing some soul searching I realize I have emotionally cheated and betrayed my wife. I broke her trust. How do I save our marriage?”
Below are a few suggestions for overcoming online relationships that can destroy marriages, plus advice on how to survive an internet affair from a woman who is trying to save her own marriage. She read and recommends the book Not “Just Friends”: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity by Shirley Glass and Jean Coppock Staeheli — click on the cover for information.
Online Relationships – How to Survive an Internet Affair
If you’ve had an online relationship or internet affair, here are some ways to rebuild your marriage…
Figure out what your partner needs, and give it to her! Does she want couples counseling? Does she want full access to work email? Does she want you to go into individual counseling? Does she need a weekend alone to think about it? Does she want a divorce or separation? Whatever she needs, do your best to meet her needs. And remember — it takes time to rebuild trust. After some time passes, she probably won’t need to keep checking up or need continual reassurance that you’re genuinely sorry and love her above everyone else.
Go into marriage counseling of your own accord. Women are often very impressed by men who are willing to delve into their emotions and feelings without being forced into it. Plus, you’ll benefit emotionally and mentally from figuring out why you had the internet affair.
Find resources about surviving online relationships to show your wife that you’re serious about saving your marriage. Read books about surviving internet affairs, or find out if there are any weekend retreats or support groups for couples. I’m not suggesting you do this just for show — do it for real!
And, here’s advice from a reader – her husband had an online relationship for years a younger woman.
“I discovered the affair by accident, and it pulled the rug out from underneath me. I was in shock for about two weeks, angry and depressed. I found it hard to concentrate on anything. If you are lucky enough to have therapy through your insurance at work, I highly advise talking to a marriage counselor.”
Figure out why the internet relationship happened. There was a payoff for your behavior and you need to know exactly what it was. Find ways to get your needs met from your wife. Unless your marriage is over, she needs to decide that your relationship is worth saving and to learn to trust you again.
Remember that your partner feels terrible. “She is blaming herself and feeling bad about herself,” says my reader. “She is wondering who this other woman is, if she is prettier, smarter, or more loving. She’s kicking herself.”
After an online affair, the best thing you can do is to come clean, apologize, tell her that you are there for her, get counseling, hold her when she cries, hold her when she throws things at you, and be patient. It can take a LONG time for her to feel better about herself and marriage, and to trust you. And maybe even learn to love you again. Healing is not going to happen overnight.
Healing takes time and understanding. For advice from a marriage counselor, click The Truth about Cheating: Why Men Stray and What You Can Do to Prevent It by M. Gary Neuman — he’s currently working on a book about why women are unfaithful.
If you have any thoughts or questions about online relationships and surviving internet affairs, please comment below…
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My husband had an online affair with a woman he knew in high school. We’re working on saving our marriage but it’s not easy and I don’t know if I even want it to work out.
Thanks for this article.
Petra
Hi Petra,
I’m sorry about your husband’s affair — sometimes emotional affairs are more difficult to overcome than physical infidelity.
I hope it works out for you and him — whether you stay married or start thinking about divorce. Either way, you will get through this and be happy again!
All best,
Laurie
Laurie PK´s last blog post..Turning Failure to Success for Female Entrepreneurs – Maya Angelou
My boyfriend of 4 and a half years had an online emotional relationship 3 years ago with a woman he previously dated. I, too, stumbled upon his emails accidently. Even though he has done everything in his power to assure me and reassure me, I still get pangs of, “Is he emailing someone?” We have a good relationship. We communicate, we laugh we have fun and our sex is good. However, I am not sure one can ever get over a breach of trust such as that. We have talked, counselled, communicated but in my experience, it is I who suffers the most in the situation. Some may say I do it to myself but I do not believe so. The body remembers. The heart remembers.
Betrayed,
Three years is a long time to be in a relationship with someone when you’re struggling to trust him!
My friend’s husband cheated on her, and she said she’ll never forget that it happened. She doesn’t trust him the way she did before — like you mentioned, things don’t just go back to normal. But, she’s forgiven him and she doesn’t seem to suffer from it. She’s aware of her husband’s activities, but she seems to trust him fully now.
Anyway, I wish you all the best in your relationship…I hope you can find some level of trust.
Best wishes,
Laurie
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen´s last blog post..Are Introverts Normal? Information About the Introvert’s Personality
Dear Laurie,
Thanks for your kind message. I think I have forgiven him. It’s the forgetting part that is impossible. In all honesty, I think part of it is my insecurity of “not being good enough,” which stems from my childhood. I imagine if I were feeling great about myself, I might experience this a little differently 3 years later. My message is not intended to be a depressy whine. It is just a wondering.
By the way I love, love, love your blog! I’ve forwarded it to several friends as I have found it inspiring and motivational.
Thank you for the gift!
I just found out my husband had an online affair and soon we’ll have a houseful of relatives for Thanksgiving and then Christmas. There’s no time to go to counseling or get things straightened out and I’m dreading the holiday season now. Can you help?
Thanks,
Sam
I discovered my partner was having an internet affair 4 months ago. Having gone through the anger, disbelief and the feeling that I was so stupid not to notice anything was different the only thing left is to look to the future. We are still together and working it out – the grief and tears from him about destroying the trust I had in him are too raw to be anything but genuine and I still love him. One piece of advice – its hard but stop looking for further evidence of his cheating otherwise it you will never be able to move on. Good luck _ I would’nt wish this on anyone.
Sam,
I’m sorry about your husband’s affair — and especially sorry I didn’t catch your comment unitl now! I don’t know what happens; sometimes people leave comments and I’m not alerted to them.
I hope Thanksgiving was okay for you….I did write an article about dealing with infidelity (both emotional and physical) over the holiday season.
Here’s the link:
Coping With Infidelity Over the Holidays
I hope this article helps you cope with Christmas and a houseful of relatives! And, I encourage you and your husband to get counseling when you can…it often takes the objectivity of a marriage counselor to see why the affair happened in the first place, and how you can improve your marriage.
Take care,
Laurie
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen´s last blog post..Rebuilding Marriage Trust – How to Reunite With an Unfaithful Husband
Mags,
Thanks for sharing your advice about not continuing to look for further evidence of his cheating. I think that would create suspicion and distrust…which is not a solid foundating for rebuilding your marriage or relationship!
I’m glad you’re working it out. Sometimes, online or in-person affairs can reveal the problems that weren’t being faced in the relationship — and allow you to face those problems head on.
It’s good to hear your partner is genuinely sorry…I wish you all the best as you rebuild your relationship.
Laurie
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen´s last blog post..Rebuilding Marriage Trust – How to Reunite With an Unfaithful Husband
I had an emotional affair with a man recently. I have been with my husband for 11 years and I love him dearly. When this started, I felt alone, depressed. He was working two jobs and the kids and I never saw him.
He found out before I could tell him and yes, I was going to tell him. I’ve ended the affair, ended it the night he found out. Him finding out opened my eyes to what I want and what I want is him. He is a great husband and a great father.
He is really hurting right now, a lot more than I am, which I can understand. I am devestated but he is much worse. Do you have any words of advice for how we can save our marriage? This all started the night before Thanksgiving.
Hi Michelle,
I’m sorry for the pain you and your husband are in. But, though it may be hard to see it now, this affair may be be the wake up call your marriage needed! You were seeking something more out of life, and you did the best you could to meet that need.
So, one suggestion I have is to forgive yourself if you’re struggling with guilt, shame, regret, or even self-hatred.
I’ve written several articles on surviving emotional infidelity on my Quips and Tips blog. Here are links to two immediately that spring to mind — they list and discuss several ways to survive an affair.
This first one might be better for your husband, but does have helpful info for you, as well:
Rebuilding Marriage Trust – How to Reunite With an Unfaithful Husband
And, this is one of my most popular articles on Quips and Tips. I encourage you to read through the comments as well; there are SO MANY couples in your situation!
Tips for Surviving an Emotional Affair
I hope these articles help, and welcome your response there or here. And, I wish you all the best as you rebuild your marriage….remember, you may be heading toward a stronger, happier, healthier marriage than you ever thought possible! Now that you see your husband for the treasure he is, you’re more likely to appreciate and be grateful for him…which will make you both happy.
Best wishes,
Laurie
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