“This is all you have,” says Dr Laura Schlessinger. “This is not a dry run. This is your life. If you want to fritter it away with your fears, then you will fritter it away, but you won’t get it back later.”
Same with frittering away your energy and time with inappropriate or misplaced guilt! If you’re having trouble getting over or initiating a relationship breakup – or you’re just plain confused – click on Deal Breakers: When to Work On a Relationship and When to Walk Away. And, read on for my suggestions on how to stop feeling guilty because you broke up with someone who wasn’t right for you…
How to Stop Feeling Guilty Over a Relationship Breakup
Identify appropriate guilt. You should feel guilty if you did something wrong, such as using your boyfriend for his money or professional contacts and then breaking up with him. “Real” guilt is an appropriate and healthy response for wrongdoing. If you weren’t your best self in your relationship, then you need to make amends. This doesn’t necessarily mean getting back together with your boyfriend, but it could mean apologizing for your wrongdoing. Maybe you didn’t make the best choices in your relationship with your boyfriend; even so, you need to forgive yourself and move on.
Identify inappropriate guilt. Do you feel guilty because your ex-boyfriend is manipulating your emotions with apologies, pleas, or promises for the future? Do you feel guilty because your parents or friends wish you were back together with your boyfriend? To stop feeling guilty, figure out if your feelings are appropriate or inappropriate – and read Overcoming Shame and Guilt – Erica Jong.
Remember what you did right in your relationship. To stop feeling guilty, focus on the things you did well! Remind yourself of the times you were loving, attentive, generous, kind, and compassionate in your relationship. Even if you did initiate the breakup, you didn’t ruin the relationship. It was already ruined…you just decided to clean up your life.
Remember that the relationship breakup happened for a reason. You had your reasons for breaking up with your ex-boyfriend. Even if your friends, family, coworkers, or ex-boyfriend don’t understand those reasons doesn’t mean the breakup less valid. To stop feeling guilty, you need to trust yourself that you made the right decision. Listen to your gut. There was a reason you had to let go of him, and that reason probably won’t change. If you need help letting go of other people’s expectations, read Letting Go of Other People’s Expectations – Maria Shriver.
Figure out who is making you feel guilty about the breakup – and why. Does your best friend wish you and your ex-boyfriend stayed together because she has a crush on his brother or best friend? Is your mother crushed that you broke up with him because she wants you to get married? Is your boyfriend making you feel guilty because you made his life sweet and easy, he walked all over you, and he misses you underneath him? To stop feeling guilty about the breakup, figure out if someone is burdening you with inappropriate guilty, and either stand up to or stay away from that person.
Here’s another inspirational quotation from Dr Laura Schlessinger:
“When you dare to dream, dare to follow that dream, dare to suffer through the pain, sacrifice, self-doubts, and friction from the world, you will genuinely impress yourself.”
And impressing yourself is more important than impressing all the ex-boyfriends, parents, friends and coworkers in the world!
If you have any thoughts or questions about stopping guilty feelings because you broke up with someone, please comment below…
Interesting article, Laurie, and so important for women as they tend to feel over-responsible in so many areas of life, but particularly relationships. Guilt is such an interesting topic for me from an energy point of view, but that’s a long discussion so for now I’d like to just add one important thing for people to remember when they break up with someone:
- when you end a relationship it’s because it isn’t a fit or doesn’t work for you anymore so how could it possibly work for the other person?! Even if your ex-partner doesn’t see the truth of that yet, know that in time they will move on and find someone better suited for them. You wouldn’t be doing them a favour by staying in a relationship you don’t want to be in(would you want someone to stay in a relationship with you out of pity instead of joy?)so you are doing them a favour by setting them free.
Gini
Gini Grey´s last blog post..Simplicity
Thanks, Gini…I think guilt stops many women from breaking up with boyfriends (or leaving husbands) who aren’t good for them. Guilt, and fear of not finding anyone else who will love them.
I’ve stayed with men who weren’t good for me, mostly because it was easier than leaving.
Laurie PK´s last blog post..What To Do When Your Mother in Law Doesn’t Like or Accept You
Thank you, James — I appreciate your taking the time to comment!
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen´s last blog post..Rebuilding Marriage Trust – How to Reunite With an Unfaithful Husband
Hi Laurie,
I’ve just stopped feeling guilty about breaking up with my boyfriend, and that was four months ago! I wish I would’ve found you back then…
But thanks for this relationship advice, I appreciate it for next time.
Lesley
Lesley,
Thanks for taking the time to comment…I’m glad you don’t feel guilty about breaking up with your boyfriend now.
And, I hope you don’t go through another relationship breakup anytime soon!
Take care,
Laurie
Laurie PK´s last blog post..How to Save Your Marriage Without Going to Couples Counseling
Hello thanks for the informative article. I just want to say it’s not only women that feel guilt over reltionship breakup. I’m still suffeing guilt and have dreams about it six years on. I met a wonderful girl at university and started a relationship with her. Everything was fine and she was amazing but I was away at university and let the freedom get to me and the drink and women followed behind her back. I met someone else who I fell in love with and am married to her now and having a baby. At the time I had to end the relationship after she found out about the other women and it broke my heart knowing I hurt her so bad. She also had to have an abortion and we did try and make things work after but I realised I love my now wife more and she was better for me long term but in hurtin knowing the sweetest most inicent girl I ever known may still be hurting. I never had closure as she lives in another itu far away and I don’t know anyone who is in touch with her. I just want to know she is ok and I always say a little prayer for her every night for her happiness. How do I get over this guilt it’s killin me and my wife and baby to be deserve embettrr than me. I’m a good guy at heart just went through wild time where I was hurting people and now I’ve left her behind it’s still hurtin me. How do I get over this ?
Anon,
It sounds like you need to forgive yourself for your past — you need to stop re-opening old wounds and learn to let go of your mistakes and regrets.
Forgiving yourself and putting the past behind you requires information and self-discipline. That is, you need to learn how to let go of your guilty feelings, and you need to practice discipline to keep letting go of your guilt. Forgiving yourself for the past is a process that happens gradually — it’s not an overnight thing. You’ve been dwelling on the past for six years, and it’ll take time to create new thought patterns.
I suggest reading books on self-forgiveness and letting go of guilt. I’m listening to Dr Wayne Dyer’s series of books, and there’s lots of wonderful information about forgiveness of self and others, letting go of negative thought patterns, and stopping self-destructive behavior. Go to your library, and look for those types of books — pick the ones that resonate with you.
You might also want to talk to a counselor. Sometimes we can’t see solutions because we’re totally immersed in our problems…we need the objective, trained viewpoint of an external third party. A counselor can help you figure out why you can’t let go of the guilty feelings (because you ARE benefiting from them in some way — there is a payoff to beating yourself up. You need to figure out what that payoff is!). And, a counselor can give you strategies for replacing those old negative thought patterns with new, healthier ones.
I hope this helps — and I wish you all the best.
Blessings,
Laurie
Laurie PK´s last blog post..How to Save Your Marriage Without Going to Couples Counseling
I just wanted to leave a comment and let you know how much i enjoyed reading your blog entries. You are an insightful person.