First, a word from Gloria Steinem:
“If the shoe doesn’t fit, must we change the foot?”
If your relationship doesn’t suit you, don’t fall into the trap of thinking you have to change! Sometimes the only thing that needs changing is your circumstances…and you have the power to make those changes. If you want t compare your boyfriend to others — it’s fun! – click What Was I Thinking? 58 Bad Boyfriend Stories. And, read on for a few tips on finding the strength and courage you need to start a new chapter in your life…
How to Find the Strength to Leave a Bad Relationship – Gloria Steinem
Deal with the fear that you’ll never be loved again. I’ve been stuck in bad relationships because I was scared nobody else would love me. I didn’t realize that there are plenty of good men who would love to love me, and who would be good for me! My self-esteem and self-confidence was rock bottom, and it held me back from moving on to bigger and better men. To leave your bad boyfriend, you need to build self-confidence.
Get rid of guilty feelings. Sometimes, women stay in bad relationships because they feel guilty, or don’t want to leave their boyfriends or husbands in a bad financial, emotional, or social situation. This is misplaced guilt and faulty reasoning! Don’t let negative emotions like fear of what people will think, fear of criticism, or guilt and shame keep you chained to a bad relationship.
Picture yourself a year from now. Where do you want to be living? What do you want to be doing? Who do you want to be loving – and who do you want loving you? Often, focusing on our goals – our wish list – can give us motivation and strength to do what we need to do…even if it involves letting go of someone we love.
Accept the help you need. Here’s a sobering thought from Gloria Steinem: “If women have young children, they are one man away from welfare.” But, accepting help from the government is far more preferable than staying in a bad relationship! When I was a kid, we were on the dole for huge portions of my childhood – and my mom was single, free, and independent (well, as independent as you can be when you rely on the state for support).
Start asking questions. “God may be in the details, but the goddess is in the questions,” said Steinem. “Once we begin to ask them, there’s no turning back.” Asking questions opens up new possibilities, new ways of thinking, new ways of being in the world!
Questions to ask yourself about life:
- Who am I now…and who do I want to become?
- If not now, when?
- Who do I admire?
- What did I want my life to be like when I was young, naïve, idealistic, passionate?
Questions to ask yourself about bad boyfriends:
- What am I getting out of this relationship, which I know is bad for me?
- Who is watching me in this relationship – my kids, nieces, neighbors, family members, friends? What are they learning about me, about life?
- What would I do about this relationship if I knew I would not fail?
You don’t need to know the answers to these questions right now. Just sit with them, let them simmer in the back of your mind. One day, you’ll be ready to make a decision to be strong and leave your partner…or be strong in a different way, and stay.
One last quotation from Gloria Steinem:
“A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.”
Are you in a bad relationship, struggling to find the strength to leave? I encourage you to listen to your gut and your brain, and do what it takes to create a life that makes you happy and fulfilled.
I welcome your comments and questions below…
Do you feel anxious or worried -- are your fears about work, family, relationships, or life in general holding you back? Consider trying a natural way to end feelings of anxiety and panic.
Four months ago I left my husband of 25 years. That was/is one of the best,(but difficult)things that I have ever done for MYSELF !, I had put myself thru years of self degradation,sadness,guilt,pain, and anxiety(only to name a few)…note that all of these things are negatives.When I thought of my past there were fewer positives than negatives. Facing that reality EYE-TO-EYE was the kick start to my “new” life and my REAL self…ME, Knowing in my heart that I am genuinely a wonderful human being, and that I deserve to be treated with respect,kindness,Love,especially that I treat myself that way,the passion I had missed(and still do) will be returned to me…by the person who realizes that I AM what and who I am, not what they may think I should be like. Actually it is (to me)the acceptance of myself that will and does shine through,If someone doesn’t make me feel good, happy, kind, honest and loving, Then I will not be respecting myself by accepting that… Not Again!!!, Not in this woman’s life!
Sharon, I’m so happy for you! I’m glad you found the strength to leave your marriage — and I’m even more glad that you’re finding your real self and a new life.
You DO deserve to be treated with respect, kindness, acceptance, and love…both by yourself and by others.
I wish you all the best in your journey towards more passion and life, and hope to hear from you again soon!
Blessings,
Laurie
Laurie PK´s last blog post..How to Save Your Marriage Without Going to Couples Counseling
hello, I’ve been married 8yrs and i’m basically wearing the pants in the marriage. He is sucking me like a parosite he wants he gets but the marriage has never been 50/50. I’m always flipping over backwards for him he doesn’t do the same . I’ve been hospitalized due to him over depression. I have my dreams on hold because i’m doing what makes him happy. And i know i deserve better but i cant find enuff self belief etc to leave. I field for a divorce yesterday im crying because all my relationships end up like this. I just want to take time out for awhile and figure out who i am as a person and do my career. Im not looking for a man to take care of me but make me feel comfortable with you and i should know if something happens you have my back. Im idependent i need some advice on self esteem and not feeling bad that i deserve better please help me thank.
Dear Im,
I’m sorry to hear about your divorce — and I encourage you to remember that this is a positive, healthy change in your life! Leaving a bad relationship takes strength and courage, and you’ve found both.
The best way to build self-esteem and self-worth is to do exactly what you said: take time out for awhile, and figure out who you are as a woman. See a counselor to figure out why your relationships are ending like this. Read books about developing a strong sense of self-respect and self-worth. And, read books about healthy relationships with both men and yourself.
Give yourself time to heal from this broken relationship, my friend. You WILL love and laugh again — and you will fall in love again!
Also, to build self-esteem you need to do things that challenge you. Take small risks everyday, such as talking to people you haven’t met, joining a hiking or outdoors club, or taking professional classes to further your career. The more things you try — even if you don’t succeed — the happier and healthier you’ll be.
And finally, I suggest you read “This is Not the Life I Ordered” (the link is in the column on the left side). It’s a wonderful book for getting back on track! So is almost anything by Dr Wayne Dyer.
I hope this helps, and hope you come back to let me know how you’re doing.
Blessings,
Laurie
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen´s last blog post..6 Tips for Running on the Beach – Exercising in Maui
Sometimes I think I’m the only man in the world who had to leave a bad relationship…she was a toxic woman and it broke my heart to break up with her, but I did.
Hi Henry,
Thanks for your comment…I’m glad you found the strength to leave your bad relationship! I hope you’re feeling better these days, and know that you will love and laugh again, with a new woman who isn’t toxic. I wish you all the best…
Take care,
Laurie
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen´s last blog post..Marriage and Money Problems – Helping Your Spouse Through Financial Difficulties
Ok so here it goes. I have been married for almost 4 years now. We have a beautiful 3 year old little girl. The first couple years were good, then his anger started to show. I told him I would leave him if he didn’t get help and he did. He was diagnosed with high anxiety and then put on pristiq. Fast forward to a year later. He is still very degrading and no matter hat I seemed to do it just pissed him off. I suggested that he go back to the dr but he refused. He was in a local rock band that startd to get some national attention so after much discussion he quit his job, we moved into my parents basement with our 3 year old (she does have her own room) all so he could focus on the band and make us millions. Its almost a year since he quit his job and in that time he has not contributed anything to the house. When I get paid I give him my entire check and I have to ask to buy a soda. He has hit me twice, once infront of my mom and another time in front of his 15 year old brother. I have lost all touch with all of my friends. I feel alone and isolated. My daughter has even made comments to my mother in law about how “daddy is mean to mommy.” I pretty much hate myself even tho I supported his dream and work a full time job to make sure he can sit on his butt at home watching tv. Did I mention that the whole band thing fell through? I know that I am in a very unhealthy relationship but here are my roadblocks. He still doesn’t have a job. How do I throw the father of my child out on the street with nothing? He just found out that his grandpa is going to die any day. His grandpa loves me so how do I break that news when he is on his death bed? And trust me my husband would tell everyone if I left him cause he would do anything to hurt me. And the last thing is he has trained me to rely on him. I don’t know how to be on my own and honestly I am scared. I really need some advise. I have no place to turn and I feel like I am drowning. Any advise would be appreciated.
Dear Tm,
I’m so sorry to hear what you’re going through — but also so impressed that you’re reaching out for help!
My best advice is to break out of your isolation! That will keep you down and out, and will stop you from getting healthy and strong. You need to connect with people. Rekindle your old friendships, contact your loved ones, talk to a counselor, call a women’s help line, join a women’s support group, talk to your kid’s teacher or her friends’ parents — reach out to people in person.
To find the strength to leave a bad relationship, you need to surround yourself with support, courage, and love. You can’t do it alone….you will be much stronger and more courageous if you have other people on your side.
That’s my absolute best advice for leaving him.
Secondly, I want you to remember that “the father of your child” — that you feel so guilty about and responsible for — is a GROWN man who is able to get a job and support himself. He is an adult. He is not a 7 year old child that you’re tossing out for spilling some milk! He will find a way to support himself — you’d be surprised at how resilient people are.
I also encourage you to put your child and yourself first. What are you role modeling for your daughter? What is she learning from you? If you can’t find the courage or strength to leave your husband for yourself, then do it for your daughter.
Let me know what you think — I hope to hear from you again, and I hope you can reach out to people around you to get in-person support. Don’t isolate yourself anymore!
Blessings,
Laurie
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen´s last blog post..How to Set New Goals When Your Old Goals Aren’t Working
Thanks so much for the quick response. Its nice to get some advise. I will reach out to my old friends but my fear is I have pushed them so far away they won’t come back. I am also so tired of complaining about my situation that I feel like I am just burdening my friends and family with the same sob story. If you have advise on how to overcome these hurdles let me know.
Tm, I am going through the same situation. My boyfriend has been out of work and we have a 3 year old son. I feel that you’re luckier than me. How sad is that? I’m not even allowed to see or talk to my family. Iknow I need to leave but I’ve grown so attached to him I don’t know how to be without him anymore. I’ve left a few times but always came back. I feel like I can’t turn to my friends
family anymore because it’s the same
old dance. He has punched me, choked me and slapped me. All in front of our son. I’m in tears because I have disappointed so many people.
Hi, i just really kinda wanted to respond to MP and say that wow i know exactly what you are going through, it sucks so much because we know we’re gonna leave, we can feel it in us but then for some reason we keep staying and making our selves feel weaker and then we start to make ourselves even believe that we’ll never actually leave. i am 21 with 3 kids of my own 2 boys who i have custody of and a girl i see on weekends, i have been with this specific guy for over 4 years now and i think im just about done for real ’cause i love my kids and myself as well, i am truly getting unhealthy because of all the crap he puts me through, im so unhappy and the kids constantly have to hear our fighting too, its not fair to them, i really really dont want my boys to grow up to be anything like their father but if i keep letting them c this then they will, i dont want my son beating on his girlfriend when he’s older and i dont want him calling her names, putting her down, or anything of the such.
still i am with this guy, i love him for some stupid reason, but i know i really want out,. another thing that stops me from leaving too though is my kids, they love their daddy, they love us together (when we aren’t fighting) and i know it would break their hearts. truthfully i know there is nothing i can do, i know ive gotta leave or something but i guess it just really is a matter of time. im sorry to all u beautiful, smart, women out there, and as well as myself and all our children, that we have had to go through this and that men can be so heartless.
stay strong xo