Welcome to See Jane Soar — it’s great to see you here!

I’ve been thinking about your question about finding yourself after all this time…and the book that keeps springing to mind is Simple Abundance by Sarah Ban Breathnach. It’s actually listed in the right column with a direct link to Amazon, because it’s one of my all-time favorite books! For every day of the year, she offers inspirational and thought-provoking quotations as well as information on finding and being who you really are. It’s a treasure — especially if you’re re-establishing a lost personal identity.

I also suggest creating a life separate from your partner. Join a hiking group, book club, dinner club — find activities to do by yourself, where you have to rely on yourself and figure out what you think and feel and want!

Traveling is a wonderful way to come back to yourself. Have you read Eat Pray Love, by Elizabeth Gilbert? Truthfully, I didn’t love that book, but I am totally behind the idea behind it: a journey of self-discovery AND of exploring a piece of the world. If you can travel for a week or a month, that would do wonders for your self-identity.

And remember that it takes time…I think even the most self-assured, centered women sometimes lose touch with themselves due to stress, hectic schedules, illness, family problems, relationship problems, etc. Accept — and enjoy! — that you’re in the process of self-discovery, and that even at age 104, you’ll still be learning new things about yourself.

I hope this helps a little, Valerie…and I wish you all the best. And, congratulations on starting this new stage of your life. How exciting!

Best wishes,
Laurie
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Thanks for your comment…I think many women tend to lose themeselves in romantic relationships, so you’re not alone! It’s tricky business, but it helps to be comfortable with your boundaries and to stay connected with friends who know the “real you.”

And I believe that a good man who truly loves you will encourage you to keep your personal identity! Those guys may be few and far between, though…

Hope to see you around See Jane Soar some more!

Laurie
Laurie PK´s last blog post..What Halloween Costumes Reveal About Personality Traits

I just find it so boring to sit and watch a movie, or sit and watch tv.

Good point that blogging isn’t who I am, it’s a habit. Hmmm…

Good thing we don’t live together, or we couldn’t watch movies

I also like your take on “cleaning other people’s emotions from your space.” It’s important to recognize the difference between our own emotions (and expressing and going past them) versus taking on others’ emotions.

Interesting. Thank you, Gini!

Laurie
Laurie PK´s last blog post..Dealing With Different Money Personalities as a Couple – Suze Orman

It’s common though in relationships for the female to take on the male’s emotions as males have tradtionally been raised without permission to have their feelings – yet they are there lurking under the surface wanting expression so sometimes unconsciously the male will pass them over to the female to express them or the female will just unconsciously take them on energetically. Over the years I’ve cleaned out so many other people’s emotions from my space – not just partners, but friends and family and I feel so much lighter and clearer with my emotions now – they don’t overwhelm me, they just come and go.

That’s a tricky one with you and hubby watching a movie – I know if it were me watching a movie and the person next to me wanted to have their computer on or their texting phone it would distract me from the movie so I would ask them to turn it off. Yet, you have a right to do what you want so it may mean watching movies at different times in your own way or one of you conceding (whichever one is bothered less by changing).

I can see how it would feel like you are losing a part of yourself if you don’t get to live the way you want (computer while movie watching), yet checking up on blog comments etc is a behavior or a habit, not who you really are. It’s also work, so I’m curious to know if you are able to set boundaries between your work time and your play time and time with hubby doing activities together (you don’t bring the laptop to bed do you?).
Gini Grey´s last blog post..Courage

I’ve been wondering about the line between personal identity and selfishness. For instance, I want to spend my evenings answering comments on my blog while hubby and I watch a movie. But, he’d rather I just watch the movie….no laptop. I think it’s boring to just sit and watch movies! Am I being selfish? If I force myself to sit and watch movies, am I losing part of who I am? It feels that way!

I think there are lots of examples like this, where the line between personal identity and selfishness is blurry….
Laurie PK´s last blog post..Dealing With Different Money Personalities as a Couple – Suze Orman

One is to be careful of caretaking – when we start to enable our partner by making excuses for them, fixing their problems, bailing them out etc., we’ve merged with them and lost our seperate identity.

The other is to own your emotions – sometimes partners unknowingly take on or match each other’s emotions. Have you ever felt angry in a way that it felt overwhelming for no reason and then you discover your partner is stuffing their own anger? Voila, you’ve been taking their’s on and expressing it for them (which always feels yucky – our own emotions including sadness and anger feel lighter than when we take on others’).
Gini Grey´s last blog post..Courage