The life lesson: a woman can lose her personal identity in a romantic relationship – and not realize it until it’s too late! The successful woman: George Eliot, a prolific writer who lived in the 1880’s. Her real name was Mary Anne Evans (she uses a male pen name so her work would be taken seriously).
George Eliot was a big believer in not losing yourself, in standing up for yourself, in following your heart, and in achieving your goals.
“Be courteous, be obliging, but don’t give yourself over to be melted down for the benefit of the tallow trade,” she said.
My friends, a long-term committed romantic relationship can be the best thing that ever happens to you. Or it can be the worst thing – if you lose your personal identity in that relationship. If you’re struggling with life, losing yourself, and figuring out who you are, click on This is Not the Life I Ordered: 50 Ways to Keep Your Head Above Water When Life Keeps Dragging You Down by Deborah Collins Stephens et al. It’s one of my favorite books on how to be authentic and successful.
And, read on to learn how not to lose your personality identity in a romantic relationship…
How Not to Lose Your Personal Identity in a Romantic Relationship
Realize when you’re “giving yourself over.” Healthy romantic relationships require compromise on both parts. To keep your personal identity, recognize when you’re acting on behalf of the relationship (such as going to boxing matches with your sweetie or making some sort of sacrifice) versus soaking up new likes or activities that aren’t who you are (such as taking on the “I love boxing!” mentality).
Spend time with your friends. Many women lose touch with their friends when they fall in love…it’s a normal part of the whole romantic relationship cycle! When you’re first falling in love, you spend more time with your lover. But, it’s important to balance that new, exciting part of your life with your “old” life: your friends and family. To keep your personality identity, keep your friends (if you struggle with toxic friends, read Coping With Toxic Female Friendships – Joan Baez).
Confess the bad bits to your friends and family. I’ve dated men who had personality and character traits that I could not tell my friends and family about! I was embarrassed and even ashamed that the man I was in a romantic relationship with had those traits…so I didn’t tell anyone about them. That, my friends, is one way to lose your personal identity in a romantic relationship. To stay connected to who you are, talk about the things that bother you about your boyfriend and your relationship. Force yourself to be honest and real.
Listen to the poet Rumi, and “Let there be spaces in your togetherness.” In the first blush of love, you want to be together all the time! Stop that. Take a step back. Tune into your heart and soul, and make sure you’re staying connected to who you are. Think about who this man is and what you want out of life…are they compatible? Make decisions about your relationship with both your head and your heart…not just your heart.
If you’ve lost yourself or your personal identity in a relationship, find hope and inspiration in George Eliot’s words: “It’s never too late to be who you might have been.”
What do you think of these suggestions for not losing your identity in a romantic relationship? I welcome your comments below…and if you want to find who you are after losing yourself in a relationship, let me know! I’d be happy to write that article.
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This topic is so important. I’d like to add a couple of other points that I’ve noticed with clients and found myself doing in the past (well, okay, sometimes in the present too).
One is to be careful of caretaking – when we start to enable our partner by making excuses for them, fixing their problems, bailing them out etc., we’ve merged with them and lost our seperate identity.
The other is to own your emotions – sometimes partners unknowingly take on or match each other’s emotions. Have you ever felt angry in a way that it felt overwhelming for no reason and then you discover your partner is stuffing their own anger? Voila, you’ve been taking their’s on and expressing it for them (which always feels yucky – our own emotions including sadness and anger feel lighter than when we take on others’).
Gini Grey´s last blog post..Courage
That’s fascinating, Gini….I hadn’t thought of one partner taking on another’s emotions. But, I have heard of partners taking the opposite emotion. So, if one partner is extremely agitated in traffic, the other might veer towards placating and calm.
I’ve been wondering about the line between personal identity and selfishness. For instance, I want to spend my evenings answering comments on my blog while hubby and I watch a movie. But, he’d rather I just watch the movie….no laptop. I think it’s boring to just sit and watch movies! Am I being selfish? If I force myself to sit and watch movies, am I losing part of who I am? It feels that way!
I think there are lots of examples like this, where the line between personal identity and selfishness is blurry….
Laurie PK´s last blog post..Dealing With Different Money Personalities as a Couple – Suze Orman
Hi Laurie – I’ve done and seen how one partner goes in the opposite direction like you said in your traffic example – a way of balancing the energies and emotions, yet it still is a form of enmeshment or caretaking as far as I can see if we don’t let the other just ‘have’ their emotions without trying to adjust them or fix them etc.
It’s common though in relationships for the female to take on the male’s emotions as males have tradtionally been raised without permission to have their feelings – yet they are there lurking under the surface wanting expression so sometimes unconsciously the male will pass them over to the female to express them or the female will just unconsciously take them on energetically. Over the years I’ve cleaned out so many other people’s emotions from my space – not just partners, but friends and family and I feel so much lighter and clearer with my emotions now – they don’t overwhelm me, they just come and go.
That’s a tricky one with you and hubby watching a movie – I know if it were me watching a movie and the person next to me wanted to have their computer on or their texting phone it would distract me from the movie so I would ask them to turn it off. Yet, you have a right to do what you want so it may mean watching movies at different times in your own way or one of you conceding (whichever one is bothered less by changing).
I can see how it would feel like you are losing a part of yourself if you don’t get to live the way you want (computer while movie watching), yet checking up on blog comments etc is a behavior or a habit, not who you really are. It’s also work, so I’m curious to know if you are able to set boundaries between your work time and your play time and time with hubby doing activities together (you don’t bring the laptop to bed do you?).
Gini Grey´s last blog post..Courage
Hmmm….this is definite food for thought! No, I don’t have boundaries between work and play time because blogging is both play and work. And no, I’ve never brought the laptop to bed.
I just find it so boring to sit and watch a movie, or sit and watch tv.
Good point that blogging isn’t who I am, it’s a habit. Hmmm…
Good thing we don’t live together, or we couldn’t watch movies
I also like your take on “cleaning other people’s emotions from your space.” It’s important to recognize the difference between our own emotions (and expressing and going past them) versus taking on others’ emotions.
Interesting. Thank you, Gini!
Laurie
Laurie PK´s last blog post..Dealing With Different Money Personalities as a Couple – Suze Orman
Very interesting piece of advice – I haven’t been in a relationship for years, mostly due to the fear of losing myself – which happens always. Since I do not suffer fools gladly (except it would seem, myself) I rarely ‘fall in love’ these days for fear of being walked over (and I know, too that fear of… can be self-predictive)
Hi Boudicca,
Thanks for your comment…I think many women tend to lose themeselves in romantic relationships, so you’re not alone! It’s tricky business, but it helps to be comfortable with your boundaries and to stay connected with friends who know the “real you.”
And I believe that a good man who truly loves you will encourage you to keep your personal identity! Those guys may be few and far between, though…
Hope to see you around See Jane Soar some more!
Laurie
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Wow, Laurie… I wish I would have found this article 11 years ago! That was when I met the man who is now my husband. He kept his emotional vampire identity hidden until after our wedding as well as his true nature of being a verbal abuser. I feel like my ’self’ was wrenched away from me because the manipulation and verbal abuse always kept me off balance and disoriented. It has gotten somewhat better over the years but it is still unhealthy (yes I am still with him). I have finally realized in the last couple of months that I can choose life for myself, regardless of what he does. But I feel so broken inside that I don’t even know what that looks like. I don’t know where to start in the journey to finding my self. Can you point me in the right direction? ~ Hugs to you, dear one!
Hi Valerie,
Welcome to See Jane Soar — it’s great to see you here!
I’ve been thinking about your question about finding yourself after all this time…and the book that keeps springing to mind is Simple Abundance by Sarah Ban Breathnach. It’s actually listed in the right column with a direct link to Amazon, because it’s one of my all-time favorite books! For every day of the year, she offers inspirational and thought-provoking quotations as well as information on finding and being who you really are. It’s a treasure — especially if you’re re-establishing a lost personal identity.
I also suggest creating a life separate from your partner. Join a hiking group, book club, dinner club — find activities to do by yourself, where you have to rely on yourself and figure out what you think and feel and want!
Traveling is a wonderful way to come back to yourself. Have you read Eat Pray Love, by Elizabeth Gilbert? Truthfully, I didn’t love that book, but I am totally behind the idea behind it: a journey of self-discovery AND of exploring a piece of the world. If you can travel for a week or a month, that would do wonders for your self-identity.
And remember that it takes time…I think even the most self-assured, centered women sometimes lose touch with themselves due to stress, hectic schedules, illness, family problems, relationship problems, etc. Accept — and enjoy! — that you’re in the process of self-discovery, and that even at age 104, you’ll still be learning new things about yourself.
I hope this helps a little, Valerie…and I wish you all the best. And, congratulations on starting this new stage of your life. How exciting!
Best wishes,
Laurie
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