The life lesson: though it seems like it should be easy to leave a relationship that involves spousal abuse, mental abuse, or verbal abuse…it’s not. The successful woman, who’s “been there, done that”: Elizabeth Gilbert.
“I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men,” writes Gilbert in Eat, Pray, Love: One Woman’s Search for Everything Across Italy, India, and Indonesia. “I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness.”
Are you with a man you think could be great – but who actually abuses you physically, mentally, or emotionally? Get help! Click on The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change? A Woman’s Guide to Deciding Whether to Stay or Go by Patricia Evans. And, check out these five suggestions for leaving emotionally and mentally abusive relationships.
First, here’s one of the best comments I’ve ever read! It’s from my article called Recognizing 4 Types of Abuse, on Suite101 (where I’m the Psychology Feature Writer):
“I’M DOING IT!!! 4 days to go!!” writes this reader. “I’m finally leaving my emotionally abusive relationship (one time he choked me). I’ve tried countless times to leave. I decided the only way out is run far, far away. A mover came today and took my belongings to the other side of the country (literally). I’ve booked my flight and accommodation. I don’t have a job on the other side but, I’ll figure something out. I’m outta here! Finally, I can learn to be myself again. I’m no longer going to be nervous or scared to offend that guy.”
How Do You Leave a Mentally Abusive Relationship? – Elizabeth Gilbert
1. Get out of the city. Sometimes the only way to deal with spousal abuse is to move clear across the country. It’s definitely not fair – and very painful – that you have to leave your family, friends, job, and the life you have…but moving away may be the only way to stop abuse and protect yourself and your kids.
2. Take one step at a time. Looking at the whole picture (gotta get a home, a job, new friends, furniture for my new place, etc etc etc) is completely overwhelming! Instead, focus on the first step: figuring out where you will go. Then, get your stuff packed up – or leave your stuff there, and start over with new stuff (buying secondhand furniture, clothes, and stuff for the house is inexpensive and easy!). When you’re leaving an emotionally or mentally abusive relationship, take it one step at a time.
3. Focus on building resiliency. How well do you bounce back from problems? That’s your “bouncebackability” or resilience. The easier it is for you to bounce back, the healthier and stronger you’ll be. Read 5 Ways to Build Resliliency – JK Rowling for for tips on bouncing back.
4. Focus on why you’re leaving. Push everything else aside, and focus on how destructive the mental abuse, verbal abuse, or emotional abuse is. Don’t fall into Elizabeth Gilbert’s old habit of counting on your husband or boyfriend’s potential for change. How has he has acted in the past? That’s likely how he’ll act in the future. Let his abuse be your motivation – not a blanket of shame that suffocates and paralyzes you.
5. Protect your kids from their own future abusive relationships. Research shows that many women stay with physically, mentally, or emotionally abusive partners because of their children. These mothers believe they’re doing the right thing for their kids by staying in the bad relationship. Solveig Vatnar is a researcher and psychologist who at the University of Oslo who found that children are harmed by witnessing violence between their parents. Plus, kids who see one parent being abused by the other are at a higher risk for ending up in abusive relationships themselves (read Partner Violence Continues After Break-up on ScienceDaily for the research).
Leaving an emotionally or mentally abusive relationship is difficult…but it’s not impossible! When you’re ready, you can do it — and it may just be easier than you think. If you’ve lost your self-identity (and many abused women have), read Keeping Your Self-Identity – Sarah Ban Breathnach.
What do you think? I welcome your thoughts and questions on leaving physically, emotionally, and mentally abusive relationships below…for more info, read 7 Ways to Tell if Your Marriage is Over, on Quips & Tips for Achieving Your Goals.
If you want to get your marriage back on track, you may find Save My Marriage Today helpful — it includes how to avoid the most common reasons for divorce.
If you’re in a mentally or physically abusive relationship and need more info — let me know! I just found research about the stages women go though before they leave partners who abuse them, and I’d be happy to share it. It could help…I think every little bit of information and support helps.
Laurie PK´s last blog post..7 Types of Credit Card Fees – and How to Avoid Them
i have a friend who is trying to leave her ex-fiance. she moved from conneticut to chicago and he went too. she is having a hard time letting go and i can only do so much for my friend. i live in des moines and can only talk her thru so much. im worried about her and she needs to know how to get herself back. she grieves and is always on the brink of going back to him because its what she knows. help me help her.
thank you.
C. Reyna
Hi Chad,
What a sad situation — both for her, and for you as her friend. She’s very lucky she has you. Try not to feel guilty or bad if you can’t make her feel better or figure out who she is without him. Rebuilding one’s self-identity is difficult, and takes time.
And, it’s something she has to do alone. You can support and encourage her…but she really has to help herself.
But, you can learn about rebuilding yourself after leaving an emotionally abusive relationship. Share what you learn with her. Sometimes it helps to know that other women have encountered the same problems — and have survived. It also helps to know how other women did it, what got them through. Your friend’s feelings of lost identity, confusion, and being “lost” without him are totally normal — and the sooner she sees this, the better!
Encourage her to find a support group or emotional abuse hotline or something in Chicago that helps women with domestic violence. You can look it up online for her, and send her the links.
She also needs to create her own healthy, active life in Chicago. The more she joins things like hiking groups, dance lessons, classes she’s always wanted to take, etc — the better off she’ll be. To figure out who she is without her boyfriend, she needs to get out there.
Keep telling her that the only reason she’s tempted to go back to that abusive relationship is because it’s what she knows — like you said! She doesn’t want to go back because he’s a great guy…it’s just a familiar place to be. She needs to make her new life her familiar, secure place.
I’m sorry I don’t have any easy solutions or better ways to help her! Remember, you’re doing ALOT by being her friend — you’re providing more support than you know. She really has to drum up her own courage. You can be on the sidelines cheering her own, but she has to take control of her life.
I hope this helps a little…and, I can research and write a “Ways to Rebuild Your Life After an Abusive Relationship” article. If you think it’ll help, I’d be happy to write it!
Best wishes,
Laurie
Laurie PK´s last blog post..7 Steps to Creating a Stream of Passive Income
Here’s what a relationships expert says about leaving abusive men:
“Discouraged friends and family members have to learn to view leaving as a process and realize that there’s little they can say to speed it along,” says Jennifer Hardesty, a University of Illinois assistant professor of human and community development. “It’s important for them to reinforce the risks the woman is facing by asking such questions as ‘Has he become more abusive? Does he have a gun?
When talking to an abused friend or family member, you should always emphasize safety, but for your own sanity, you should realize that leaving is a process and she has to work her way through it herself.”
Laurie PK´s last blog post..5 More Tips for Saving Money on Medical Care Costs
If you’re partner abuse you in any ways, don’t stick with that relationship. It only means that your partner has no love for you anymore. If your parter physically or mentally abused you, call the police and tell your story and teach your crazy partner a lesson. Then don’t leave yourself alone and crying. If someone make you cry a river, build a bridge and get over it. Meet with your fiends and get dating!
It’s not that easy, to just start dating new guys! You don’t just go from being mentally or emotional or physically abused to suddenly being able to trust men again. Doesn’t work that way.
After you’ve been abused, you should get counseling to deal with it. Maybe after a couple of years, you’ll be ready to date again
SL
Thanks for your thoughts, Latina Girl and Sandra Lee!
I think it depends on the person (regarding whether a woman who was in a mentally or emotionally abusive relationship should immediately start dating again). And, it depends on the type of abuse it was, how long it went on for, and so on.
Some women might need a year or more to deal with the effects of emotional abuse. Others might be able to shake it off and pick up with a new man quickly.
I think learning to trust again can be a huge issue, though.
Laurie
Laurie PK´s last blog post..6 Ways to Avoid Major Student Loan Debt for College Students
My wife was emotionally and mentally abusive to me for 6 years. I finally left. It took me 2 years to get over it, but now I love my girlfriend, and I think I will propose soon. She treats me way better than my ex-wife ever did, and I wish I hadn’t stayed with her for so long.
If you’re in a mentally abusive relationship, I think you should leave as soon as you can. Abusers don’t change the way they treat you.
Rick
Thanks for commenting, Rick. I totally understand staying in an abusive for too long — it’s hard to leave.
And, I understand your wish that you had left sooner! But, you did what seemed right at the time…
I’m glad you’ve found happiness with your girlfriend, and I wish you a long, happy, healthy marriage.
Laurie
Laurie PK´s last blog post..7 Ways to Save Money on Back to School Spending
This article helps. Thanks.
Ellen,
If you have any questions or need help, feel free to ask here!
Take care,
Laurie
Laurie PK´s last blog post..How Not to Lose Your Personal Identity in a Romantic Relationship
Hi,
I walked out on a mentally abusive partner 4 days ago. We have a baby under 1 year old and I’ve gone to live with my parents. I do want him to have contact to the child but am worried he will take her if I let him have contact before a contact-order is in place through the courts.
I do keep going back and forth in my head wondering how he is feeling and actually feeling sorry for him. He always did play the “poor me” card.
He used to invent situations and things i had “done” which i then had to apologise for. I found i had to make myself cry and apologise for things i hadn’t even done just to get things on an even keel with him. At one point, i realised i could get him to lay off me by pretending to be sick, or making myself sick. At some point, this sickness when arguing became something i could no longer control. I saw myself becoming someone who would take physical abuse and definitely felt the relaitonship was heading that way. So I left while there was still enough of a person left to rebuild. I am so glad.
Sarah,
I’m so glad you commented here — and am even more glad that you left your abusive partner! Good for you. I admire your strength.
You pointed out exactly how physical abuse happens — it’s so insidious. It happens slowly in alot of cases, without women even being aware of how much of themselves they’re losing. Then their partners are so apologetic and sad after the abuse….so women stay….and then it happens all over again.
It’s totally normal to have doubts and wonder how he’s doing! In fact, in 5 Stages of an Abusive Relationship, it discusses “back and forthing”, which sounds similar to what you’re going through. It’s hard to leave a man, especially if you have a child together. Even women who were terribly abused have a hard time leaving.
Anyway, I just wanted to say thank you for being here, and for being so courageous! You’re an inspiration.
Laurie
Laurie PK´s last blog post..Dealing With Different Money Personalities as a Couple – Suze Orman
Sarah,
Girl, I’m glad you left that abuser before he hurt you or your baby. Stay away from him if you can. If you have to see him because of your baby, make sure there’s always someone else around.
Stay strong, go long!
Uma
My sister has been in a mentally abusive relationship for six years, and she can’t leave him. We all see what’s happening and we can’t stand her husband, but we can’t do anything without alienating her. I’ll send her this article and hope she learns from Sarah and all the comments. Luckily they don’t have kids or that would be worse.
Sammy,
I’m sorry about your sister. That’s very sad…sometimes we can’t see what’s best for us because we’re so enmeshed in the problem!
It’s probably best not to alienate her…and I hope she does find this article helpful. You might also contact a local distress or help line, and ask for their suggestions. There might be some helpful resources in your area.
Best wishes,
Laurie
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen´s last blog post..8 Best Ways to Lose Weight – Healthy Eating Tips
i’m in a three year relationship with my daughters father. we’re both young (21) and we have a two year old daugher. i was brought up around a man who mentally abused me and my mother and sistr and i still suffer with it now. Now that i’ve been living with my boyfriend for three years, as i look back i realize that he has become just as my father was. he’s definately abusing me mentally. he’s always fighting with me and giving me attitude, telling me im stupid and pathetic, withholding love, always putting things before our daughter and me. i feel like i always have to walk on eggshells and watch out what i’m doing in fear of making him mad or upset. he doesnt let me have friends or go out unless its with my mother. he works nights so he fights iwth me all morning and then leaves 5 hours early to go to work when he knows i need help with the house and our daughter and running errands. i dont have a car of my own either, so it’s like he neglects me. as time goes on its just getting worse and worse and i dont want my daughter to see us fighitng all the time. i need motivation to leave. we just rented a house but we haven’t all moved in yet; im thinking of moving by myself but not sure if i can offord it. i dont know what to do.. i need motivation to leave. am i doing the wrong hting by taking my babys father away from her?
Mikayla
Yes. Your child needs a mummy who is happy, secure and confident. NOT a mummy who is sad, confused and treated this way. My motivation for leaving was based on many things. I found there were lots of little “turning points” along the way that all added up to me leaving. I only did this 3 weeks ago so I totally feel your agony in making this decision.
Because of the way he has treated you, and the fact you are probably desperate to make the little family unit work, you have been putting him and your child before yourself. It is time to stop that. It needs to be YOU and YOUR MENTAL HEALTH that come first. THEN your child, because they need a GOOD role model who is strong and capable. In my opinion, one good full time parent is way better than one not-so-good one, and one who is confused/scared / unloved.
It sounds like you would not be opposed to him having contact to the child, which is a positive thing – you are not taking the child away from the father in this case. This is what i am doing too – and it is going to work. Yes, he will be angry that he has lost control of the situation and it is VERY daunting to leave. But i would urge you to get out as soon as possible, before your child thinks this is how women are treated, this is how mummy is treated, and also that they can treat you like that in the future. One big motivator for me was thinking how my baby girl would end up thinking women could be treated. This is NOT acceptable, Miks, it’s not. You know it. I really want to grab you and drag you and your child out of there. I really do. But nobody is going to do that. You have to take yourself away from it. To protect your own mental health, outlook and your child. I would say GET OUT and DO IT SOON.
OBviously it’s your call. I feel quite strongly about it as i only left 3 weeks ago and i feel so relieved and happy, even though i know there is going to be a backlash from it, it’s totally worth it. Yes, it was hard but yes it was totally totally the right thing for me.
PLease consider all i’ve said and think about your position seriously. Delete your browser history on the internet after tonight, too as that always got me in trouble.
Take care honey, I will look out for a reply from you. xxxxxxx
Hi Mikayla,
I agree with Sarah 100%, and I hope you find strength and courage in her comments and experience. She’s a wise woman — and very caring!
Also, remember that it’s normal to choose a man who is similar to your father. We gravitate to situations we’re familiar with — even mentally and emotionally abusive relationships. It’s easier and more comforting to stick with what we know, instead of venturing into the scary world of the unfamiliar.
It’s so ironic, because the unfamiliar world can often be a healthier, happier, better place to be. For instance, a caring and kind man can be a scary world for women who grew up being treating poorly by men. Yet, that caring and kind man is a healthier and happier place to be. He’s just unfamiliar, that’s all.
I also encourage you to remember that your daughter is learning from you, just as you learned from your mother. The choices you make affect her future behavior — and it’s not way you SAY, it’s what you DO that counts.
I wish you all the best — both you and Sarah — and I welcome you to meet here again.
Soar! Be healthy and strong and happy, and soar!!
Laurie
Laurie PK´s last blog post..What Halloween Costumes Reveal About Personality Traits
Thanks for your kind words, Laurie. They mean a lot. It’s great when women support other women, I get goosebumps from it.
Miks, please reply and let us know how you’re doing.
Sarah x
Hello,
i have been in a mentally abusive relationship for 4 1/2 years. It has gotten to the point that i had to go let my 10 year old son live with his father, because he has told me that he couldn’t stand to watch his mother be talked too like that anymore. He has done such horrible things to me that i don’t wish on anybody. I am scared to leave, i am scared because of my daughter to leave he has threated me with court and the possiblity of taking me to court. I want to leave but that means leaving everything i have worked for behind. I just need some solid advice from people who have been in this situation.
OMG,
I am one stressd out girl…my mother who has been in an abusive relationship for over 10 years recently left her common-law partner.he kicked out my younger brother from the house and called the cops on him because he playfully sat on my younger half-brother (his son).this past wednesday he had heart surgery and my MOTHER ACTUALLY WENT TO SEE HIM…me and my brother were flored by her actions.this man didn’t only hate her children but he belittled her and made her his servant.i don’t know what to do,i can’t let her go back to him.
Pregnant & B6arefoot,
I have been with my husband for 11 years total (married 3 1/2) and I am currently 6 months pregnant. About a year ago we separated for a few months, and began dating each other and going to marriage counseling. Things got better btw us, and in May 2009, I got pregnant. Ever since, he has made me miserable, calling me names, constantly rubbing my face in all my failures (I’m unemployed, no degree) and blames me for everything. We are living at his mother’s house, and now he’s telling me we can longer buy a house together, we will have to rent somewhere. Everyday I’m stressed out, he tells me “he is not with me” & that he does not respect me. I need help, I have nothing and no where to go, what do I do???
Nellie,
I’m sorry I haven’t responded to your comment until now; I’ve been traveling, and haven’t had much computer time.
Your response to your mom going to visit her partner in the hospital is totally normal — most family members can’t understand why women stay in abusive relationships! But, women stay with abusive partners for a variety of reasons that they themselves might not even understand.
Remember that you can’t stop her from going back to her ex-commonlaw partner. All you can do is share how you feel about him (which I’m willing to be you already have!), and stick by your mom’s side no matter what she chooses. Now that her ex is in a vulnerable position, she may feel the need to take care of him. She may also feel that he can’t hurt her now.
You might give her some info on abusive relationships and how to leave them. Since you likely can’t convince her to leave him permanently, you might as well try and educate her! If you need help finding that info, let me know.
I wish I could help you convince your mom not to get back together with her ex, but it’s awfully difficult to get people to do what we want…especially when they have reasons for doing what they want!
I’ll keep my fingers crossed that she stays away from him, though.
Best wishes,
Laurie
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen´s last blog post..How to Let Go of Someone You Love – No Relationship Closure
Heather,
I’m sorry I haven’t responded to your comment until now; I’ve been traveling, and haven’t had much computer time. Plus, I haven’t been in an abusive relationship — my heart goes out to you for the situation you’re in. I hope I can offer a different type of support.
Can you call a local domestic abuse hotline? It sounds like you’re all alone and I know you’re scared. Men who abuse commonly put their partners in situations like that, and try to make them feel like they have no power.
But, you DO have power! You just need to find the courage to access it. I know it’s easier said than done, but you need to find a source of courage and strength. You need to find your power not just for your sake, but for your son’s.
Call a local distress or domestic violence hotline. Join a domestic abuse support group. Talk to other women online who have left abusive relationships (I know you’re trying that!). Keep reaching out for help — because the help you need IS out there. It’s just a question of tapping into it.
Also, I’m sorry that you may lose everything you’ve worked so hard to achieve if you leave your partner. But, losing everything and starting over may be a better option – no matter how painful – than staying with a man like your partner for the rest of your life.
Starting over from scratch may be the best thing that’s ever happened to you.
Please feel free to come back anytime and let me know how things are going. I promise to respond sooner this time!
Best wishes,
Laurie
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen´s last blog post..How to Let Go of Someone You Love – No Relationship Closure
Hello,
I came across your site while trying to find information about when a friend is in an emotionally abusive relationship. My friend has just returned to an emotionally abusive (once physically abusive with her and another girl) relationship that now has the added factor of a child. I could write a novel out of the things he has done and the excuses she has given. I feel that she is also paying for the a time when police were involved- as if it were her fault that he did the wrong thing and was “inconvenienced” by her admittance to the authorities.
Our group of friends has been very supported of our friend when she has left him in the past. Recently, we didn’t here from her for several weeks and feared that they were back together after he got out of jail (for dog fighting and animal cruelty [previously armed robbery]). It has since been confirmed that he is now living at her home again in a quick matter of time.
Our friends and I have talked many long hours about what to do. Se has become defensive about the relationship and it has now become the big pink elephant in the room. This is at least the 5th time she has gone back. We fear for her safety/mental health as well as the child’s (and no custody in place).However, I also fear for my own safety and emotional stability. We have done a very good job of being centric to her needs and forming a supportive backbone when she has asked for it. And I am sure the time will come again when she will need us and I will be there for her in a second. BUT I think I have come to a point where I cannot be apart of this situation anymore and need to step back. I am not going to make her see differently unless she wants to herself. There are only so many times we can say she is a strong, beautiful woman that deserves better. She has to believe it herself. We have talked about intervention vs. our enabling behavior and many other methods of trying to speak about how we feel and how worried we are, but we fear we will alienate an already defensive woman even further into his arms even if we confront her in the gentlest of manners.
We decided that we should handle it how we see fit, but that we would support each other in our decisions. Several of us have decided to write her a letter or email stating that we love and care about her very, very much but that we have to remove ourselves from the situation and the lifestyle choices she is choosing to be a part of (the crime, previous violence and some drug selling on his part). A couple of my friends are grade school teachers and if a situation were to happen, it could affect their jobs and reputation. I cannot be around this man on a friendly basis, nor can I go to lunch with only her and pretend everything is okay. I don’t just want to ignore her though. I would like to send her an individual email and Cc the other girls on it so that she knows the support system at hand not only for her, but for my words (several others have thought to do this as well). I would state that I love her very much and will always be there for her and the child, but cannot put myself into the current situation. I am a phone call away, but this is no longer something I feel comfortable being involved in. What do you think about this proposed email? Is there ever a time to let go of a friend that seems so obviously in need and let them figure it out on their own? Is there anything you would recommend adding to the email if you do support the idea? Also, if I end up being the only one to stand up, I fear I will look like a dissenter and deserter.
Sorry for this rather long post.
Thank you,
Bonnie
P.S. A commenter wrote that her abuser made her feel worthless because she was unemployed and without a degree. My friend has a bachelor’s of science in psychology and a good job. She is surrounded by a network of educated, employed and strong women. Her mother was the head of a family crisis center and we were taught from a very early age the signs of abuse. I want other women out there to know that this happens at all levels and can happen to anyone- no woman “knows better” than the next. No matter what your situation, you do not deserve it. Abuse is abuse and as a human being, you deserve to be treated better.
Hi Bonnie,
I’m sorry that your friend is staying with this man — I can’t imagine how difficult this must be for you and your friends. It’s so sad to see people make these choices!
And, I thank you for your “PS” it was a lovely and important message to send to women who are being abused.
What you’re talking about is “tough love” –where you stop enabling and supporting self-destructive behavior. Tough love is about drawing lines in the sand (setting boundaries), and helping your loved ones in ways that may seem painful.
Yes, I think the email you described would be a kind, loving, caring way to show your friend that you can’t accept her choices anymore. I see it as similar to giving money to an addict, and pleading that they don’t spend it on drugs. Sometimes, it’s better to say “I can’t stand by you when you’re letting this happen to you — but I will be here for you if and when you’re ready to move on to a new stage of life.
Regarding being the only dissenter…that’s a difficult choice to make. I remember reading a story in one of the Chicken Soup for the Soul books about a former drug addict who said that his only friend was his roommate, who kicked him out of their apartment, stopped giving him money, and refused to see him until he was ready to get help. The former addict said that THAT was when he realized how much trouble he was in and that he needed to change his life. He said his other friends – who “stood by him” while he was using – weren’t as loving or supportive as the roommate who kicked him out.
I hope this helps — and I wish you all the best. Please stay in touch; come back anytime and update me!
Best wishes,
Laurie
Laurie PK´s last blog post..Christmas and Other Holiday Gift Ideas for Teachers
Hello, thank you for making a list.
It’s so hard to leave an abusive relationship. The worse the abuse gets the more we tend to cling tthe abuser. I know I did, and still do.
I recently left. I didn’t want to, I told myself it was just temporary until he got help, and then.. I would go home and go back.
But he’s not sorry. He’s so blameful to me for all the pain he’s caused. Inside I’m devestated. I really wasn’t ready to leave. My friends and family pushed and pushed and pushed until I was scared of him and not sure what to do.
Now that I’ve gone away. I’m dealing with all of these emotions. I still love my abuser… ughhh… but it’s true and I’m so heartbroken he doesn’t miss me and says horrible things to me on my voicemail about me. He still namecalls, swears and puts me down. Its really hard. Anyway thanks for putting this website out there and reassuring us during the process.
Hi Val,
I’m sorry you’re going through so much pain — but I’m glad for you, that you left him!
After you get through this difficult part of breaking up, I suspect you’ll be so glad you left. This is the worst phase, the very beginning of the heartache. Relationships are so difficult to leave, even when they’re not healthy.
Stick with your friends and family, who want the best for you. Trust yourself that you’ve done the right thing, my friend. As painful as this is, you will be stronger, healthier, and happier after you’ve come through it.
Good luck — and read my article about surviving the emotions after breaking up! It might help.
Best wishes,
Laurie
Laurie PK´s last blog post..Relationship Breakup Help – How to Survive the Emotions After Breaking Up
nice and interesting post!!!
self esteem´s last blog post..Home
i never thought this could ever happen to me and if it did i thought i would be able to leave no problem. i had a baby and thats when hands on started and he keeps saying he will change. i have tried leaving him but he threatens me so i need to look into the laws but when he threatens me i am secretly happy i dont have to leave i need to where am i?
Hi Mae,
It sounds like you’re in a scary, confusing, difficult relationship. And, there may be a part of you that thinks you belong with an abusive man — that’s the part of you that is secretly happy when he threatens you.
I encourage you to talk to people you trust — and I mean in person. Do you know women or men who are supportive, responsible, and caring? You need to talk to them about your relationship and how you feel when he threatens you.
If you can’t talk to someone you know, please call an abusive support line or distress line. There are people who UNDERSTAND what you’re going through because they’ve been through it themselves, and who won’t judge or criticize you. They’ll simply help you see your options — which I can’t do here.
Will you call a help line or talk to someone you trust, and let me know how it goes?
Thinking of you,
Laurie
Laurie PK´s last blog post..Teaching Kids about Money at Christmas – Tips for Parents
just the fact of hearing i am not all alone helps i will start there my little girl can’t grow up to have the same type of relationship. thank you
Currently I am 21 yrs old and live in victoria bc , I moved out here 2 years ago with my boyfriend who i had already been dating for 3 yrs. Back home he was really distant but i cherished the time we spent together and when he told me he was moving and asked if i wnated to come i said yes with excitement at the possiblity that our relationship could move forward in a positive way. Since we got out hear he began physically abusing me on top of the emotional abuse already going on. I love my job out here and the poeple i work for but I am at a point where i want to leave i knwo where to go and I just cant seem to get myself to leave, I feel bad because we share a lease and i dont want to leave him with a financial burden but it seems the easiest way for someone like me to leave is by packing my bags while he is at work and just leaving without telling anyone. my heart says no its not a good idea but Its now or never is what it seems like. if anyone has any advice to offer please share it
Hi Andree,
Hey – we’re practically neighbors! I live on Bowen Island, BC, which is just across from Horseshoe Bay in Vancouver.
I’m sorry to hear about your boyfriend, but very glad to know that you have somewhere to go. I understand that you don’t want to stick him with the financial burden of the lease, but he lost that privilege when he started emotionally and physically abused you, my friend. He’s lucky you’re not charging him with assault! And, he’s lucky that the only consequence of his despicable behavior is being stuck with the lease.
He’s a big boy, Andree. I encourage you to take care of YOURSELF and not worry about how your leaving affects him. His behavior got him into this mess — not you.
Actually, part of me wonders if your concern about the lease is an excuse, a cover up for your real reluctance to leave. If your boyfriend abuses you, the LAST thing you should be worried about is his lease! You need to worry about your health, LIFE, future, fulfillment, passions, goals, and living the best life you can…not some lease that a guy who treats you like garbage signed.
I wrote an article called “How to Find the Strength to Leave Your Boyfriend”, with you in mind. Please read it – here’s the link:
How to Find the Strength to Leave Your Boyfriend
I hope this helps, and I welcome you back anytime…even if you haven’t left him yet!
And yes, packing your bags and leaving during the day is a fabulous idea. Like you said, it’s now or never!
Make it now. Go, girl, go. Soar, Andee, Soar!
Blessings,
Laurie
Laurie PK´s last blog post..Teaching Kids about Money at Christmas – Tips for Parents
Laurie , I cant give thanks enough to the time you took to respond to me about my situation. Im convinced those were are heaven sent because I have the strength to do this, I have all along but never have I received such honestly and direction when speaking to someone about this, it actually made my head clear and now I plan on leaving this upcoming Tuesday.
Your right i am being reluctant or atleast was, I just wanted to cling on to him and probably scared of the chnage . the article you sent me actually hit home when reffering to “get over the fear of never being loved: because during this abuse I have chnaged dramatically from the young thin carefree girl i used to be. But I also know I’ll be okay , I havent spent time with my family in over 6 yrs so they will be ahppy to ahve me back and I look forward to building thsoe relationships again.
How did you get started with the see jane soar site? Just another passer by with help to offer? If so your an amazing woman and I gues the saying goes “Pay it Forward” which I plan on doing for the rest fo my life.
Please stay in touch, I would appreciate that.
Cheers,
Andree
Dear Andree,
I’m glad my comment helped you — I was hoping it would. And, I’ll be thinking about and praying for you on Tuesday….it takes alot of strength and courage to leave someone, but I know you can do it!
How did I get started with See Jane Soar? I created it!
It’s one of my blogs — I’m a fulltime freelance writer and blogger.
Yes, I’d love to stay in touch. Please come back and let me know how you are and how it went moving out of your boyfriend’s place…
Blessings,
Laurie
Laurie PK´s last blog post..7 Last Minute Christmas Shopping and Money Tips for Couples
Hi I really need help! I am so stressed out!!!! My sister is in an emotionally abusive relationship she has three kids who are also being abused…constantly told they aredoing something wrong or worthless,always being put down! My neice who is 16 hs been told by her father that she looks easy and that she cannot be trusted by him(when she does everything around there shes practically cinderella!!!) He even threatend to slit her throat and just recently told her he wished she was never born. I cant stand him! I refuse to ever see him! But I do want to help my sister and the kids. should i call CPS on them next time things get bad or will that just make things worse? I was going to sit her down and tell her that i am there for her and help her work on herself as far as finding a job and a way out “just in case” I also wanted to show her the effects on kids in an abusive relationship (hoping this will help open her eyes) My niece also does not want anything to do with him and keeps begging her not to force her to go back. What should I do?!?! how can i help her but most of all the kids! He really seems to mainly be targeting the kids!!!!! I really need help!!!!!!!! I hope to hear from you soon!:0(
Em,
I’m sorry to hear about your sister and nieces are struggling with an abusive husband and father. That’s a sad situation for them to be in — it can be very difficult to leave and heal after living with a man like that. And, it’s awful for a loving sister and aunt like you to see your family in such pain.
Calling Child Protective Services is an idea, but you have to remember that they may separate your nieces from your sister. I can’t predict exactly what will happen, but it a foster home for the kids is a possibility. You just need to be prepared for that possibility.
Call CPS for information, and call the domestic abuse hotlines in your area. I don’t know what resources are available to you, and the first thing you need to do is figure out what you CAN do. There are ways to help women who are being abused…but those ways differ from state to state and province to province.
Don’t wait until things get bad again. If things are calm now, it’s a perfect time to give your sister and nieces information about how to protect themselves and even leave him.
I really like your idea about educating your sister on the effects of abusive relationships. Can you give your sister books about domestic abuse and the effects abusive relationships have on kids? She needs help standing up to him and protecting her kids. And, she needs to learn how to repair her relationship with her own children, because they probably won’t just forget about the years of abuse.
It’s so difficult when loved ones are being abused — it’s like your hands are tied in so many ways. But, you can find out what resources exist in your area and give that information to your loved ones. And, you can keep telling them that you’ll be there whenever they need to talk or a shoulder to cry on. That means more to them than you know.
I wish you all the best, and hope you let me know how things unfold.
Blessings,
Laurie
Laurie PK´s last blog post..Save Your Marriage Without Going to Couples Counseling – Tips for Spouses
hello
I have been married a little over three years, and I had undermind my husbands mean comments and such to just a bad temper. He is so sweet when its the next day and he is sorry..and yadi yadi ya. I love him so much, however 6months ago i began seeing a councellor to find out what was wrong with me, why my marriage wasnt working and such. I was enlightened. She told him it sounded like emotional abuse, and its not ok. I was suprised, but upon reding these articles with my self-esteem being constantly reduced every time his mood changes negative and he says horrible things gives me encouragement. There isnt anything wrong with me. Its ok to leave. Seems strage..but whoever made this posting sight is helping a lot of people and especially me.
cmss,
I’m so glad this article helped you — and that your counselor is so supportive and smart!
And, I’m especially glad that you’re learning that there is NOTHING wrong with you at all. If you decided to leave your husband — if he stops being abusive — then you will have a happy, healthy life of your own. Healing from a relationship breakup takes time, but once you get over the first few months, you’ll start realizing the possibilities of your future.
I’m not saying you should leave your husband; I’m just happy for all that you’re learning about yourself.
Thanks for sharing this piece of your life with us!
Laurie
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen´s last blog post..80 Ways to Show Your Love on Valentine’s Day Without Spending Money
Hello all-
I am the abuser and now it is very clear that it was the fall of my relationship. I noticed that the end all answer to the question at hand it to just leave the relationship and everything will get better, for you. Now the world has a pissed off abuser that has reinforcement, thinking the world is to blame. Unfortunately Americans believe that relationships are expendable and that love does not really exist. If you truly care for someone and want it to work, instead of giving up, isn’t there another option?
Instead of running away, can there be a stand and hold the ground that you and your lover once stood on?
I ask this question because I do want it to work and I do want to be in control of my feelings and emotions. I truly was not aware that my words and actions had the impact that they did. The comments only leave a person left bitter n the world, is that the true intention for everyone on this forum, or to try to make the world a better place. I do not want to be this way and I am sure that deep down inside of the abuser is a person that is screaming for help and loosing ground for forums like this. Add sections for ways to cope during the healing process. I do suggest that a separation is in order, but be careful that the reason is to fix a broken relationship and not to ruin a once great relationship. My girlfriend of five years has trouble believing in me and it makes me feel really badly. Is this the same thing as being the abuser, is this the same treatment as a child that had scarred me for life? Is there a way to break the chain? Am I the only one who wants love and from the same person I fell in love with long ago? I am seeing a therapist but that has been to help me cope and be nice. I now realize that I need to focus on something I did not realize was a problem until I read this forum.
Thank you all,
Brian
Hi,
I’m so glad I found this article. I’m at a point in my relationship that I don’t have anyone at all I feel I can turn to, and I no longer even know if my feelings are valid, or if I’m just going crazy. I’ve been in my relationship for less than a year, but it’s been extreme highs and extreme lows all the way. When I met him his father was dying, and he blamed his extreme (verbal) temper on his distress. Since then it’s always been an excuse…work stress, quitting smoking, friends he thought were treating him badly…I’ve always copped the brunt of this, and writing it down it seems obvious already. It ISN’T though, we’re both passionate people and when he picks a fight I’ve never had any problem arguing back, sometimes saying some very hurtful things myself. It’s been a rocky 6 months with my career, and I’m sure that I haven’t behaved as well as I could have within this relationship either.
Our arguments are never resolved until he says something so hurtful (like TERRIBLE name calling, that he justifies by saying ‘well if you behave like a c*** then I’m going to tell you you’re behaving like a c***) that I become so upset that I cry and start packing my bags to leave, at which point he switches. It really is just like a switch, and suddenly it’s ‘baby, I love you more than anything, I’m so sorry…’ etc etc. Then he promises to support me no matter what, and I believe him. Then he tells me he hates how manipulative I am for always threatening to leave, and he’s scared of bringing up any issue at all in case I do.
The week before Christmas we were both out drinking with our seperate friends. I called to ask where he was as he was supposed to be meeting me ‘after one more drink’ two hour previously. He called me needy and hung up on me, then sent me a text telling me to sleep on the couch that night. I got home FURIOUS, and a little drunk. I woke him up by turning on the light and asking him why he was behaving like such a monster.
He accused me of sleeping with another man, and so I slapped him across the cheek. I’m not proud of it and I shouldn’t have, but I have been nothing but supportive of the hard time he’s had at work, with his father, etc. and I’d actually spent the evening with my girlfriends trying to figure out the best way to deal with my issues with him.
What followed was the most harrowing few hours of my life. After I slapped him he tackled me (and he’s 6′4, not a tiny guy) and I ended up hitting the floor and the corner of the bed, hard. Turns out later I’d broken two ribs. After that it was a hysterical blur, I kept trying to leave and he kept pushing and shoving me after I got up, for HOURS, against the wall, and he locked me in the bathroom. etc. He told me that I was behaving irrationally, so it made him do irrational things in response.
FINALLY as I got to the door, still hysterically upset, the switch happened. He got down on his knees and begged for me to stay. It was 4am and I’d had too much to drink anyway and I was in a lot of pain, so I stayed. He slept on the couch.
The next day I was COVERED in bruises and I knew that whilst I was still even contemplating staying with this man I couldn’t leave the house and let people see me the way I was. So I didn’t, for a week. I was evasive to my friends and family, and for the first few days I just sat on the couch in my pyjamas staring at the tv. I don’t think I even said a word. My partner has done nothing but beg for my forgiveness, and he’s started seeing a counseler, and swears that things will change for the better. He’s waited on me handm and foot, and written the most beautiful love letters. He’s so humble about it all.
So now I’m crying almost every day, and yelling at him often about what he’s done, and crazily alternating between forgiving him and yelling at him and crying. I KNOW that now I am supposed to leave him but I don’t know how to distance myself, I don’t even know how to convince myself I really want to leave. If I did stay though, how would I ever stop resenting him for what he’s done? How would I ever take responsibility for my own mistakes within the relationship, because nothing I ever do could be as bad as that, right? How would I spend my life with him thinking that he always owed me? How can I believe that he won’t behave this way again?
I have no idea how to even begin to recover from this. I can’t tell anyone I know because they would never forgive me for staying, especially after them having to deal with all of my tears over our arguments in the last 6 months. I feel very alone, and very confused.
Stephanie,
You and your boyfriend bring out the worst in each other — and your feelings of “going crazy” are normal. You’re in an unhealthy, abusive relationship, which would make anyone confused and scared.
Please call a distress line or counselor. Figuring out what to do in a relationship like this is difficult when you’re alone, without support from healthy, loving people.
You know you need to leave this guy, otherwise you wouldn’t have found this article about leaving mentally abusive relationships! You know he’s not uplifting you or helping you be the best woman you can be…and you need to break it off with him to save yourself.
Right now, I don’t have time to write more — but I will return within two days. Feel free to write again, and even respond to what I said about calling a counselor or distress line.
I’ll be back!
Blessings,
Laurie
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen´s last blog post..6 Tips for Running on the Beach – Exercising in Maui
Hi again Stephanie,
I just wanted to add a couple more thoughts:
If you do stay with your boyfriend, please seek couples counseling. It’s great that your boyfriend is going for counseling himself, but you and he need to find the healthiest ways to reconnect in your relationship.
Remember that many women are emotionally or physically abused several times before they leave their partners. Many women believe he’ll change, and that their relationship will be good (healthy) again.
And, here’s a link to a new article I wrote about leaving abusive relationships:
3 Ways to Leave Relationship Abuse Behind
I wish you all the best, and hope to hear from you again.
Blessings,
Laurie
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen´s last blog post..6 Tips for Running on the Beach – Exercising in Maui
ok ive been browsing because im going through another “episode” …& i came across STEPHaNIE…& it was like reading about my past 6/7 yrs ago , if only i could turn back time. i remember the first time my beautiful cream skin was covered in blue & purple bruises, the way he was sooo sorry & so nice for the few weeks that followed. Now i have the most beautiful 2yr old, yes, with him, again he is a fabulous parent & partner when he wants to be…but i STILL get the bruises… i want to leave & when i did throw him out i dont understand WHY did i ring him to come back,, then he acted like it was my fault anyway …. ok, what im trying to say is the abuse will continue but the apologies disappear… i know for a fact i would not be with him if i had no child .. she adores him & would be heartbroken, my main worry is if he meets someone else…i dont know why , but it would hurt me more than if he was ina VERY serious accident… PLEASE ANYBODY IN THE START OF AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP GET OUT NOW,..i wish i did .
Sharon,
Thanks for your advice — I hope women in abusive relationships listen to you, and get out as fast as possible.
Blessings,
Laurie
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen´s last blog post..How to Make Conversation for Introverts – Tips for Small Talk