The life lesson: though it seems like it should be easy to leave a relationship that involves spousal abuse, mental abuse, or verbal abuse…it’s not. The successful woman, who’s “been there, done that”: Elizabeth Gilbert.
“I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men,” writes Gilbert in Eat, Pray, Love: One Woman’s Search for Everything Across Italy, India, and Indonesia. “I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness.”
Are you with a man you think could be great – but who actually abuses you physically, mentally, or emotionally? Get help! Click on The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change? A Woman’s Guide to Deciding Whether to Stay or Go by Patricia Evans. And, check out these five suggestions for leaving emotionally and mentally abusive relationships.
First, here’s one of the best comments I’ve ever read! It’s from my article called Recognizing 4 Types of Abuse, on Suite101 (where I’m the Psychology Feature Writer):
“I’M DOING IT!!! 4 days to go!!” writes this reader. “I’m finally leaving my emotionally abusive relationship (one time he choked me). I’ve tried countless times to leave. I decided the only way out is run far, far away. A mover came today and took my belongings to the other side of the country (literally). I’ve booked my flight and accommodation. I don’t have a job on the other side but, I’ll figure something out. I’m outta here! Finally, I can learn to be myself again. I’m no longer going to be nervous or scared to offend that guy.”
How Do You Leave a Mentally Abusive Relationship? – Elizabeth Gilbert
1. Get out of the city. Sometimes the only way to deal with spousal abuse is to move clear across the country. It’s definitely not fair – and very painful – that you have to leave your family, friends, job, and the life you have…but moving away may be the only way to stop abuse and protect yourself and your kids.
2. Take one step at a time. Looking at the whole picture (gotta get a home, a job, new friends, furniture for my new place, etc etc etc) is completely overwhelming! Instead, focus on the first step: figuring out where you will go. Then, get your stuff packed up – or leave your stuff there, and start over with new stuff (buying secondhand furniture, clothes, and stuff for the house is inexpensive and easy!). When you’re leaving an emotionally or mentally abusive relationship, take it one step at a time.
3. Focus on building resiliency. How well do you bounce back from problems? That’s your “bouncebackability” or resilience. The easier it is for you to bounce back, the healthier and stronger you’ll be. Read 5 Ways to Build Resliliency – JK Rowling for for tips on bouncing back.
4. Focus on why you’re leaving. Push everything else aside, and focus on how destructive the mental abuse, verbal abuse, or emotional abuse is. Don’t fall into Elizabeth Gilbert’s old habit of counting on your husband or boyfriend’s potential for change. How has he has acted in the past? That’s likely how he’ll act in the future. Let his abuse be your motivation – not a blanket of shame that suffocates and paralyzes you.
5. Protect your kids from their own future abusive relationships. Research shows that many women stay with physically, mentally, or emotionally abusive partners because of their children. These mothers believe they’re doing the right thing for their kids by staying in the bad relationship. Solveig Vatnar is a researcher and psychologist who at the University of Oslo who found that children are harmed by witnessing violence between their parents. Plus, kids who see one parent being abused by the other are at a higher risk for ending up in abusive relationships themselves (read Partner Violence Continues After Break-up on ScienceDaily for the research).
Leaving an emotionally or mentally abusive relationship is difficult…but it’s not impossible! When you’re ready, you can do it — and it may just be easier than you think. If you’ve lost your self-identity (and many abused women have), read Keeping Your Self-Identity – Sarah Ban Breathnach.
What do you think? I welcome your thoughts and questions on leaving physically, emotionally, and mentally abusive relationships below…for more info, read 7 Ways to Tell if Your Marriage is Over, on Quips & Tips for Achieving Your Goals.
If you want to get your marriage back on track, you may find Save My Marriage Today helpful — it includes how to avoid the most common reasons for divorce.
Do you feel anxious or worried -- are your fears about work, family, relationships, or life in general holding you back? Consider trying a natural way to end feelings of anxiety and panic.
Dear Elle,
Do you think the phrase “because they deserve it” means the abused woman is somehow worthless or bad or deserving of abuse? There’s a different way to look at it. She “deserves it” because she STAYS in the relationship and lets herself continue to be abused. So maybe “deserving it” is less about who she is as a woman, and more about her choice to stay with a man who is physically or mentally abusing her.
You’re choosing to stay with a man who abuses you. That doesn’t mean you’re worthless, bad, or dumb. It just means that the the benefits of staying in this relationship outweigh the benefits of leaving. You’re getting something out of this relationship.
I encourage you to start telling people that he’s abusing you. Tell your friends. Tell your family. I know how hard this is, but it’s your first step towards health, healing, and happiness. You don’t have to tell everyone…just tell a couple of your closest loved ones.
What do you think?
Blessings,
Laurie
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen´s last blog post..7 People Skills That Help You Achieve Your Career Goals
I think what my father was actually refering to when he made that horrible comment, “do you know why women get hit? because they deserve it”, was that the abuser “thinks” that the woman deserves it, but really that off-handed comment stuck with me in a way it wasn’t intended. About 9 months ago I ended up calling a friend after a terrifying beating….he choked me, punched me & told me he was going to kill me….& my 4 sweetest girlfriends gathered around me & we called the police & had him charged. His charges would be stayed if he took a bunch of classes on anger management & domestic violence, etc. & we ended up working through our problems…ummm……maybe it’s fairer to say I let him schmooze his way back into my life, but the other night it happened again & now I feel I can’t return to these friends to tell them it happened again. I’m ashamed of myself for staying with him…I let myself down….& truthfully I am not doing him any favors either. I have always said that our relationship on a daily basis is 90% amazing & 10 % terrifying. He is not emotionally abusive, but he has triggers that make him snap & he becomes absolutely crazy. I know these triggers & have pulled them. This makes me feel that I am the one controlling & I am the one that is wrong here. Yes, he hits me, but he wouldn’t if I would just back off at these hot points & give him space for a time-out to chill. How many women out there think they are the ones that push those buttons with their mouths & in turn get shut up with a fist?? Who is wrong here? Basically I know I need to remove myself from this relationship but somehow can’t. This where I think it’s an addiction or obsession problem. Or am I just chasing my tail here trying to justify or explain away stuff??
Hello,
I think that there is even another way to look at it. I read one of the threads and a woman said that she thought that it was her words that caused the trigger. I would have to agree that she may have an underlying issue; he definitely has a problem that is warranting the break up. But the point being they love each other. And the best solution to an issue like this is finding help. The separation is most likely must in order to begin the healing process, it will be painful but in order to find one’s self if they choose to accept it, the couple will grow and live a happier life. This does not mean that they have to forget but both work toward a common goal separately for one’s self. The problem with America today are people that think that it is ok and promote the disintegration of love that two people share. Once a person practices disintegration it becomes natural, it spreads, and soon it’s okay to do these things. Sexually transmitted disease is spread because of the idea that it is okay to have many partners. Once two human beings choose to be together, they are making a conscious choice and in it for learning something about themselves. If they choose to leave the situation they never learned what it is they needed to learn, thus not being whole. Two people should always be striving to have togetherness, friendship, love, commitment, helping, sharing, and putting the required energy in. The abuser in any situation obviously has an underlying issue but wishes things were different and does not know any other way to react. This person has only one way of thinking, “to snap”. The “triggerer” only knows one way to cause the trigger and may not even know it or that they are even doing anything wrong and worst yet it may not even be wrong it could be perfectly ok to you and I but it is truly triggering to the abuser. To find these things and address them properly is the solution. If the way to think is to end it and end all and disintegrate, we have learned nothing. The abuser could use this as a reinforcement to continue with no realization that it was their fault and most likely bring this to the next relationship. SNAP! What was gained in the world as a whole? Selfish thinking is the American way. It’s not always all about you, if that was the case why do Americans send aid, give to the less fortunate, help the sick, have education. The whole issue is to learn to love. I am in the same situation and have been abusive, and really did not even realize it. But I now understand and wish to spread the word about making the connections between everyone on earth and how we can all be together and love each other and live in harmony.
Brian
Love Defender
What a beautiful way to put things into perspective. Thank you all for sharing your thoughts & experience with me. I’ll let you know how things pan out!
This really blew my mind, what else can I say except keep doing what you are doing.
I am thankful for finding this website, it rocks!
Georgina,
Thanks for taking the time to comment; I’m so glad you were here!
Laurie
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen´s last blog post..4 Ways to Reconnect With Who You Were – Shirley Valentine