The life lesson: toxic female friendships will drag you under and keep you down. The successful woman: Joan Baez, who knows how hard one-on-one relationships can be.
”The easiest kind of relationship for me is with 10,000 people,” said Joan Baez. “The hardest is with one.”
Why are relationships with crowds of people easy? Because you don’t have to deal with the individual quirks – or toxic tendencies – of one individual. You don’t have to be vulnerable, honest, or understanding…and you don’t have to work things out.
For more info on female friendships, click on The Power of Female Friendship: How Your Circle of Friends Shapes Your Life by Paul Dobransky and L.A. Stamford. And, read on to learn how to cope with toxic female friendships…
The idea for this article came from one of my Quips & Tips for Achieving Your Goals readers, who asked how to confront her best friend’s destructive habits.
Signs of Toxic Female Friendships:
- You don’t discuss your successes for fear of jealousy, criticism, or negative feedback
- You make all the effort to stay in touch; she never calls, she never writes
- You leave your visits feeling deflated, exhausted, angry, or depressed
- You’re constantly “cleaning up” after your friend
- You lie for your friend
- Your friend gossips or spreads rumors (read Is Gossip Good for You? – Barbara Walters for info about gossip!)
- Your friend flirts with your boyfriend, husband, or life partner
- Your friend needs constant physical, spiritual, or emotional support
- You don’t respect or support how your friend is living her life
- You can’t be yourself in your friendship
- You dread taking her calls or spending time with her
Coping With Toxic Female Friendships – Joan Baez
Identify the problem. What exactly is “toxic” about your friendship? What bothers you or makes you wish things were different with your friend? More importantly — is it her…or is it you? Jealousy, envy, or dissatisfaction with your own life can lead you to blame or dislike others. If you’re jealous of her, read Making Envy Work for You – Helen Gurley Brown.
Decide how “big” the problem is. Some problems – such as a friend who is constantly late – may simply require you to tweak your own attitude (eg, bring a book, journal, or laptop when waiting for your friend, so you can use your time productively). Other problems – such as a friend who undermines your successes or who is critical or negative – are truly toxic and may require that you limit or cut off all contact.
Set your boundaries. Figure out what you need to do to “cleanse” your toxic female friendship. For instance, one of my closest friends struggled with my “no taking personal phone calls during the day” rule (I’m a home-based freelance writer, and people think the daytime is perfect for phone calls!). She kept saying things like “I would’ve called and talked to you about it, but you don’t take calls during the day.” Meow. I decided to let it go – she’s an amazing friend in every other way, so I was fine with this blip.
Stick to your boundaries. Though I felt like a jerk and questioned my own “no phone calls” rule, I stuck with it. I insisted on evening phone calls. It’s been two years since I started writing full-time from home, and my friend just told me how proud she is of me! She thinks it’s wonderful that I’m supporting myself as a writer, and she loves that I’m pursuing my dream. See how great she is? I had to set and stick to my boundaries – and it was worth it.
Decide how you want to live. If you want to be a successful woman, you need to surround yourself with successful women! If you have toxic female friends in your life, you can choose a different path – whether it’s cutting off contact or gently explaining what you need from your friendship (and listening to her perspective).
By the way, it’s not just in-person relationships that drive you towards or away from success; it’s the online discussions you read and participate in, the blogs you visit, the TV shows you watch, and the conversations you have. It’s everything you surround yourself with!
One more quotation from Joan Baez: “You don’t get to choose how you’re going to die,” she says. “Or when. You can decide how you’re going to live now.”
What did I miss? If you have any thoughts or questions on toxic female friendships, please comment below…
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This is a good one Laurie and great timing for me as I recently ended a toxic relationship with a friend. Well actually, she ended up letting me go. Just as I realized how draining the friendship was, despite setting certain boundaries, I set an energetic intention for the relationship to shift or end, and voila, this friend emailed me angry because I wasn’t willing to listen to her rant and rave about her drama and she ended our friendship.
Oh what a relief to be out of the toxic mix and even more of a relief that I didn’t have to do the ending – just set a powerful intention for things to shift and they did (be careful what you wish for)!
Gini Grey´s last blog post..Boundaries
I had to end a toxic online friendship a couple of years ago. The fault was on both our parts as we are both highly emotional, somewhat needy, people. We have gradually got back in touch and now send each other occasional emails and things are fine. I think we both feel better not being so close yet still being in touch.
Sandra, that’s such a great solution for a toxic female friendship (occasional emails but not full-fledged contact). I’ve found Facebook to be a good way to be in touch with people I don’t necessarily want to spend alot of “in person” time with.
Gini, I too had someone end a friendship with me! We were so different and our relationship was a real struggle…but it never occurred to me to let her go. She found the strength to do that, and it’s a good thing.
Thanks for being here, you two
I think it’s more important that we be careful about who we spend time with as we get older. Time seems more limited now than it did when we were in school…there’s too much to accomplish and do — no time to spend with friends who are negative, critical, draining, or toxic!
Maybe my next article should be about knowing if YOU’RE a toxic female friend….would anyone be interested in reading that?
Laurie
Laurie PK´s last blog post..How to Help When Your Partner is Depressed
That’s a great article idea Laurie – I’d love to see an article about identifying the traits of being a toxic friend (then it could be passed on to toxic friends – ha ha).
Gini Grey´s last blog post..Boundaries
All right, I wrote the article called “Are You a Toxic Female Friend?” — and was thinking of you, Gini! NOT that you are a toxic female friend…but I was thinking of your perspective on the “energy vampire” bit.
You know how some people drain you, and others fill you up? Well, friends who drain you are definitely toxic…
Laurie PK´s last blog post..Writing Strategy #1 – Let Your Writing Go
This is a great post, thanks for writing it!
Are you a professional journalist? You write very well.
Thanks, Peter! I’m a full-time freelance writer and blogger…so spend all day practicing my writing skills
And Fiona, thanks for your comment. If you have any questions about toxic female friendships, please feel free to ask.
Laurie
Laurie PK´s last blog post..7 Steps to Creating a Stream of Passive Income
Found your site while researching for my girlfriend, who keeps fighting with her best friend. Then they make up for a couple months, then they’re at each other’s throats again. I don’t get why girls fight and have these “toxic friendships” — guys don’t do that! Why can’t girls just get along like guys do.
I know of one reason girls fight more than guys in their friendships. It’s because females bond more closely on an emotional level and they match each other’s energy and therefore get enmeshed more easily. Men tend to have more emotional distance and stronger boundaries between each other.
Women friends and couples enmesh easily if not conscious of it. To unemesh, friends (or couples) tend to create a fight so they can go in the opposite direction (isolation)for awhile. It’s an uncomfortable dichotomy, but as people become conscious of it, they can transcend it by tuning into their wholeness.
When people discover they are whole, and enough on their own, they don’t need to play the enmeshment/isolation game, but can have healthy boundaries and more peace in relationships.
Gini Grey´s last blog post..Faith
I also think that women are more affected by their hormones than men! I know I’m more sensitive, prone to being offended, and irritable when I’m PMSing (and this week, I’m coping with both PMS and a husband who’s been away for work for 6 weeks — so I’m a little edgier than usual. I know it, I can feel it, and it colors how I interact with others).
And, some men are simply oblivious to real or perceived slights. Some women tend to jump on slights and milk them for all they’re worth! Of course, they may be toxic females to begin with and that taints the friendship…or, they’re PMSing…
Thanks for taking the time to comment, John and Gini!
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