The life lesson: you could be a toxic female friend…and not even know it! The successful woman: George Eliot, an English novelist who used a male pen name to ensure her words were taken seriously. Her real name was Mary Anne Evans.
About friendship, George Eliot said:
“Perhaps the most delightful friendships are those in which there is much agreement, much disputation, and yet more personal liking.”
Good friends agree about lots of things – and, better yet, are able to disagree about lots of things. If you have a friend that you just aren’t clicking with, click on Toxic Friends: The Antidote for Women Stuck in Complicated Friendships by Susan Shapiro Barash.
If you have a toxic friend in your life, you might find Coping With Toxic Female Friendships – Joan Baez helpful. And, here are six ways to tell if you’re a toxic female friend…
Are You a Toxic Female Friend? – George Eliot
You’re negative, and you can’t stop complaining. Do you hate your job, your ex-boyfriend, your mother, and your last vacation? Fine…but stop talking about it! Expressing your negative feelings is fine – good, even — but polluting the air with a nonstop monologue about how terrible your life is won’t help you make and keep lifelong friends.
You talk behind your friend’s back. You’re the poison in your toxic female friendship if you share info about your friend, her habits, her work, her partner, or anything about her life. Gossip may feel good (and if you want to know why, read Is Gossip Good for You? – Barbara Walters) — but it just ain’t nice. And, it’ll destroy your friendship.
You don’t remember – or know – what’s happening in your friend’s life. How did your friend’s dad’s open heart surgery go? When is her birthday? How old are her kids? What does she want to be when she grows up? What’s her biggest struggle? You don’t know what’s going on in your friend’s life because you don’t ask. Or listen.
You give back-handed compliments. “I love your new haircut! It makes your face seem so slim.” I’m sure you’ve received “compliments” like this. If you find yourself making snide remarks (and let’s face it, ladies, we’ve all done it), cut yourself a piece of humble pie and apologize immediately. You could even explain why you were snippy (my grandma’s word) with your friend. This example of a toxic female friend is from Kelli Zink, host of CelebTV.com — and so is the next one…
You put your friend down in public. If you don’t save your criticisms for private discussions, then you may be the poison in a toxic female friendship. Sometimes we need to confront a friend’s bad behavior – but not in public (the same goes for married couples!).
You don’t call, you don’t write. This may not be a sign of a truly toxic friendship, but if you never reach out, then you’re not much of a friend. Being a good friend can involve a quick, simple “Hey – how are you? Haven’t talked in ages, was thinking about you today.” If you never think to call or email your friend, then you’re not carrying your end of the canoe, my friend.
You drain other people’s energy. Are you an energy vampire? This may be difficult to figure out on your own, but it’s a strong sign that you’re a toxic female friend. Energy vampires leave people feeling drained, depressed, and exhausted. They ignore boundaries and other people’s needs. Energy vampires can be “drama queens” — making the smallest incident a huge deal. If you’re an energy vampire…you’re also a toxic friend.
What have I missed about toxic female friendships? I’d love to hear your thoughts or questions below…
If you have wonderful friendships in your life, one way to celebrate them is to throw a Goddess party. I went to my first one awhile back, and it was a blast!
Do you feel anxious or worried -- are your fears about work, family, relationships, or life in general holding you back? Consider trying a natural way to end feelings of anxiety and panic.
Yes, I can be the toxic female friend. I battle depression and so being the one who is down and often needing to vent is an issue. I am forgetful about special dates as well. I have tried several things to help, but usually the only thing that works is a reminder that gets sent to one of my emails.
I might give back-handed compliments, but not on purpose. More often I just word things poorly, coming off sounding negative when I thought I was sounding positive.
On the other hand, I have been told I am often fun, interesting, sensitive and caring. I have many online friends and a few offline ones that tell me they feel blessed to have me as a friend, so I can’t be too toxic.
I think sometimes it is the mix of the two people that is toxic. I’ve known people who were toxic to me that have had wonderful, long lasting friendships with other people.
I am working on myself. I’m more aware of my shortcomings than I used to be.
Thank you, Laurie, for this wonderful blog!
Sandra
Sandra, I’m always glad to hear from you, even when you’re venting about weight loss!
I especially like to hear women vent; it’s good for the mind, body and soul.
I think we’re all toxic female friends at times, and very few of us are toxic ALL the time. I have no doubt that you’re fun, interesting, and sensitive — because I’ve seen you that way here, on See Jane Soar.
It must be more difficult when you’re battling depression. It’s hard to be a great friend at the best of times, much less when you’re struggling with your own moods and negative feelings. I heard one woman describe depression as a “nagging, negative tape playing constantly.” How can you be positive and uplifting when you’re struggling with that?
I totally agree — some friends just don’t mix well. Some people just don’t have chemistry together. With some friends, I could talk forever. And others, I struggle to get past “Hi, how are you?”
Thanks for being here and commenting, Sandra!
Laurie
Laurie PK´s last blog post..5 Tips for Taming Your Inner Critic
I’m glad to be here, Laurie.
Thank you so much for being glad to hear from me, even when I’m wailing and gnashing my teeth.
I think I need to go read “Tips for Taming (My) Inner Critic”
Sandra
Laurie,
I just happened upon your blog today…really interesting posts! I especially like this one and the one about others that are toxic to you. I know these things, but I am trying to figure out WHY even when I know a friendship is toxic and I want out (not that this happens a lot…) I still analyze the relationship to death, ad nauseam!!!
So, how’s this for a future article…”why do I care if that person doesn’t want to be me friend when I don’t like them or like being around them” Whew, long title, maybe you can streamline it!!
thanks,I enjoy your articles very much, Jess
Thanks for stopping by, Jess! I like your idea of a future article, and I agree that your title needs a little streamlining
How about: Letting Go of Toxic Habits, or How to Let Go of Old Relationships. Either way, I’d be happy to write it and post the link here…I’ll work on it and have it up by the end of the week!
Laurie
Laurie PK´s last blog post..Coping With Negative Coworkers Who Drain Your Energy – Anais Nin
I feel i’ve been draining other people’s energy in ways that i’d like to improve. I have this awful job for a crazy boss–and i don’t mean that lightly since I don’t tend to hate on people just for being an authority figure. but i always vent to my boyfriend and close friend about it, and then chastise myself afterwards because i know it’s bad for those relationships. the only answer is to improve the situation that is causing me to complain and suck other peoples energy.
Hi uhoh,
One of the best ways to improve anything — toxic female friend or not — is to be aware of it, so you’re on your way!
Yes, improving the situation will definitely help you have better interactions with your close friend and boyfriend. And, remember that part of any relationship is supporting each other through the bad AND good. So, you’re allowed to vent and complain sometimes! That’s part of life, and of being good friends and partners.
Good luck, and I hope you can improve your situation at work with your boss…
Laurie
Laurie PK´s last blog post..Invited to a Potluck on Turkey Day? Thanksgiving Dinner Ideas
Hi,
I have been looking into more info on toxic friends. This was a good article. I wanted to add to the when someone doesn’t call/listen. I have delt with someone who likes to remind me of when she called last. To me when i hear this it shuts me down. She doesn’t remember that i tried to call her back or that i have alot going on and do the best i can. She likes to act like she’s perfect in this sense. I used to take an hour to 2 each night to talk to her about her life. When it came to mine i learned to keep it short b/c her comments where short. I started learning it didn’t matter what advice i tried to share or how much time i spent it wasn’t enough. I have tried to grow and understand being a pleaser person and low self esteem can pull me into trying to please women in my life. Anyhow i just appriciate knowing that their are others out there that deal with people who are friends but unless you do what they want its a battle.
Thanks!
Hi Libby,
Thanks for taking the time to comment — it definitely sounds like your friendship isn’t “give and take”!
And, it’s great that you’re recognizing your own tendency to be a people pleaser. Needing to please can make us stay friends with the most toxic of people, which isn’t good in the long run. But, it sure is easier in the short run.
Have you heard of the term “frenemy”? That’s a merging of “friend” and “enemy” — some friends aren’t all-out enemies, but they certainly aren’t all-out friends, either! Frenemies are toxic.
Anyway, I’m glad you commented and I wish you all the best with your “friend.”
Laurie
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen´s last blog post..Love Relationship Advice – How to Save Your Marriage After Infidelity
Hi,
I am looking into frenemy. The passive-agressive part has really been a part of the “friendship”.
I realize now i have taken this kind of abuse over the years that i didn’t recognize it. I didn’t do anything to deserve being made to feel i was less then a good friend/person. Since i have a very giving nature and try to please i see now how i allowed behavior to continue without calling her on it. As i’ve been able to read more on this and have gone to therapy i am standing up for myself.
One of the hard parts was i worked with this person so if i didn’t do something she wanted outside of work then i paid for it with looks and snippy comments.
I moved to a different city and work in a different place now and i am so amazed how much better i feel. I also am able to stand up to her without the backlash of being in the same office.
I am greatful for others writing and sharing about this. Its really helped to know i wasn’t going insane.
I’m learning how to set boundries also. To think if i want to do something instead of just thinking of the others wants and needs and not mine.
Its amazing to me that we don’t have more info on these issues growing up. Instead we stumble and bumble till we get help or someone comes into your life who helps you see it from a different perspective.
I’m so glad that the hope is there to live a more full life and not be drained by others who claim to be a friend.