Comments on: 5 Stages of Leaving an Abusive Relationship – Tina Turner

By: Shaken

Shaken — Mon, 15 Mar 2010 19:04:35 +0000

I have been with my boyfriend for seven years, he is very smart and sly and a smooth talker. Recently I posted an apology to my neighbor on craigslist about all the noise we have been causing from our arguments and his yelling at me. Amazingly enough, he saw the post and responded telling me he feared for my safety and he gave me some resources to get help. At first it was hard to swallow because i was in denial that it was really that bad, but then I started reading about abusive relationships online and I told supportive friends and family members and saw a therapist. After hearing about everything they all agreed and while he was out of town I moved out and I am totally free! I am scared and excited at the same time, I am staying with someone that he doesn’t know and I feel like I am on the right track but he hasent returned from his trip yet and I’m getting really scared of the unknowns, like what if he calls me and emails me non stop, what if he doesn’t? What is the aproriate way to talk to him if I have to? What if he shows up outside of my workplace?

Any advice would be greatly apreciated! I have talked to three people at the womens shelter and they haven’t been of much help with those questions…

By: Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen — Sun, 28 Feb 2010 23:35:33 +0000

Joe,

That’s great that you want to help women in need of relocation and job training! I suggest contacting the local colleges and universities to find out if you need a diploma or degree. You could also call a women’s shelter, distress line, or even an employment counselor to find out what qualifications you need.

Good luck — let me know how it goes!

Laurie
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By: Jo

Jo — Sat, 27 Feb 2010 08:06:24 +0000

thank you laurie for your advice. I had a pretty bad time just now with my boyfriend, yet before this we had a beautiful late lunch together and when we came home, we ended up in an argument which he took too far. I just realised it was only a month ago that he hurt me badly – when you start writing down in a diary how often your loved one hurts you, I think you will all be surprised. It really is not right and I don’t understand why these type of men are like this – I also get very scared that he will do something stupid to himself, because he always says he will end it all and gets a knife and it freaks me out so much that i go to him to because i get scared he will hurt himself.

You never know when it is going to happen, we had a beautiful day lovely lunch then out the blue we get home, an argument.

Thanks again for everyone’s help and your advice laurie

By: Joe

Joe — Thu, 25 Feb 2010 21:14:27 +0000

Hi
I would like to help women in need of relocation and job trainning can you tell me who i should talk to

By: Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen — Tue, 23 Feb 2010 17:10:26 +0000

Dear Stacey,

I’m so sorry for talking so long to respond! It feels like yesterday that you left your comment, and here a week has passed…I hope you accept my apologies for not replying sooner.

And, I’m even more sorry for all that you’ve endured. You sound like such a survivor! You’ve lost alot, and been through alot — and you’re doing the best you can for your child and yourself.

I think you can leave an abusive relationship peacefully if you remind yourself that simply having a physical presence in your child’s life is NOT enough. Anyone can live with you — but not anyone can love you or your child in a healthy, affectionate, honorable way. So yes, you’re walking away from a physical presence….but it’s not the best one for your child, so you can feel assured you’re doing the right thing.

Please call a local women’s help line or distress line. You need to talk to someone in person, who can support and guide you. You need to access the resources in your area — because there IS HELP out there! But, it won’t come looking for you….you need to go looking for it.

Call a women’s shelter or help line, and tell me what they say, okay?

I hope to hear from you again.

Blessings,
Laurie
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen´s last blog post..How to Set New Goals When Your Old Goals Aren’t Working

By: Stacey

Stacey — Mon, 15 Feb 2010 19:36:06 +0000

I been in an abusive relationship, both phyiscally and mentally for the last 9 years. As an result of this tradgey I have a beautiful young 7 year old child who is the love of my life. I have stayed for many selfish reason mostly for the ones of my own. My mother and brother died when I was 4 years old which left left me feeling alone in the world, because I had no other siblings and my father was no where to be found. I was blessed to have a grandmother who loved me enough to not place me in one one’s care but her own and she raised me to be much more intelligant then this. I have never seen any of the things that I have allowed myself to go through, but after 5 long years of batteling with dementia, she lost her life on the 21, of January 2010 and even though I physically have no one but my son, I feel compelled to be stronger because I do not want to lose my life and leave him in the position that I am today. I have asked this man to leave my home on a many occaisions and of course he is a coward and want go and makes me feel gulity because his life is the same as mine telling me he has nobody.

But at this point I do not feel that there is any healing, because of all the wounds that I have endured since he has been in my life. He tears up possessions, he hits me and calls me out of my name and all of this in front of my son. My son does loves him but wants him to go because of the way that he sees this P**K treat me. So how do I leave peacfully not feeling gulity that I have walked away from the only other physical presents that my child has and be able to move if he never comes around.
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By: Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen — Tue, 09 Feb 2010 14:51:20 +0000

Renea,

Thanks for sharing your story here! You are a source of inspiration and comfort. It’s great to hear from strong, courageous women who left abusive relationships…it helps us know that we CAN have better, more successful, happier lives.

Be well,
Laurie
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By: Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen — Tue, 09 Feb 2010 14:49:27 +0000

Dear Bex,

Thanks for sharing this part of your life with us — and congratulations on your upcoming wedding!

It sounds like you really want to be healthy and have a happy relationship, but those old tapes or messages from your past won’t go away. Sometimes our past is like that — it has such a firm grip on us! That’s normal…what you’re going through makes sense. We create what we know, we create the worlds we’re most comfortable with…even if they’re not good for us.

I encourage you to talk to a counselor or therapist, because overcoming those tendencies on your own can be extremely difficult. You’re reverting back to what’s normal for you — and that itself is normal behavior. We seek our comfort zones, even if they’re painful or destructive. We tend to set up our lives in the way we’re most comfortable with, and it’s not always about happiness, health and wellness, or empowerment.

If you can’t afford to see a counselor, call your local church or a spiritual organization. They often provide free counseling. And, call your local distress line or women’s help line, because they’ll be able to give you the support you need to build a healthy relationship with your wonderful man!

Let me know how it goes when you call those organizations…I hope they help you. Get in person support, because trying to get healthy on your own just doesn’t work as well.

Blessings,
Laurie
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen´s last blog post..How to Lose Weight as a Couple – 6 Ways to Burn Fat Together!

By: Renea

Renea — Mon, 08 Feb 2010 08:14:50 +0000

Surfing the web and found your site. I am the recipient and survivor of intense physical and mental abuse inflicted upon me by the man I loved. (A very handsome man, loved by all–whom did not know what he was like behind closed doors.) From the ages of 17 through 21. I left with my child 28 years ago. Yes, it was a long time ago, none-the-less the same experience as many, that has affected every single day of my life since. Reading everyone’s letters takes me back, being able to recall everything. I too, had been raised in a very good family never having before seen this type of behavior. The first three years were beautiful, never an indication of what was to come. The apologies always happen, some time goes by and then it happens again. Further along as time goes by, the occurrences happen more frequent. Eventually you’re kept from family, kept from friends. You make up excuses, you’re embarrassed, you don’t want anyone to know.
Please let me tell you … love (true love) DOES NOT hurt. What is being done to you, is NOT your fault (even though he may say its so) and you do not deserve to be treated in this manner. If you even once question, should you leave? — you already know the answer. If you were being treated as one should be, that question wouldn’t even arise. And just think about this … this person treating you like this, would never allow another person to treat them that way. There are laws against being physically abused, because it is WRONG. If you have no one to confide in, call a helpline (they’re in every city and town)– you do not need to give your name, but can find out what your options are and go from there. I left with nothing but with myself and my child. I will not glorify that it is easy, but if you are determined to seek and make your life better, you can do so. I had gone from beatings every couple of days, punched, slapped, kicked–ohh just everything you can think of (always being told it was my fault, when I had never even opened my mouth to him beforehand) broken bones, stitches, hospital visits, had dropped down to 89 pounds–on and on. To now an excellent career, a very loving relationship of the last 20 years with whom he has never once touched me in a bad way and my child is very very successful.
Please, please BELIEVE that you deserve and are worthy of happiness, it is truly out there. God Bless You.

By: Bex

Bex — Sun, 07 Feb 2010 22:10:40 +0000

I was in a physically and sexually abusive relationship from the ages of 14 to 18. (I am now nearly 22). I was with a lad and him and his dad were both abusing me.

I am now with a man who treats me very well and I know he would never hurt me. We have been together for 3 years and we are getting married in april.

BUT….I have started to miss being in an abusive relationship. Its like I want all those bad thinsg to happen again. Why would I want that?

I keep trying to wind up my partner so that he will hurt me (he doesnt, he just walks away) but I keep pushing and pushing, desperate for him to hurt me. Do I like being a victim?

Help! Before I push him away….please!