“Sometimes you’ve got to let everything go – purge yourself,” says Tina Turner. “If you are unhappy with anything . . . whatever is bringing you down, get rid of it. Because you’ll find that when you’re free, your true creativity, your true self comes out.”
Letting go, even when you’re in an unhealthy or abusive relationship, is one of the hardest things you’ll do. For more relationship help, click on The Emotionally Abused Woman : Overcoming Destructive Patterns and Reclaiming Yourself
5 Stages of Leaving an Abusive Relationship – Tina Turner
According to a new University of Illinois journal article, abused woman go through a five-step process of leaving abusive relationships. Below are the fives stages, based doctoral candidate Lyndal Khaw’s dissertation work at the U of I. If you want to leave your partner are scared, read Overcoming Fear – Suze Orman and Cher.
Stages 1 and 2 of leaving an abusive relationship: “In the first two stages, women begin to disconnect emotionally from their relationships,” said Khaw. You hear them say things like, ‘I started not to care for him anymore’.”
Stage 3 of leaving an abusive relationship: In this stage, there’s a collection of abusive episodes and noticeable effects of the violence on children. “Women make preparations to leave, such as finding a place to stay or secretly saving up money,” she said. “This stage is important for women as they switch from thinking about leaving an abusive relationship to actually doing something about it.”
Stage 4 of leaving an abusive relationship: “Then, at Stage 4, when women take action, we see a lot of what we call ‘back and forthing’ because when women leave, the emotions often come back,” said Jennifer Hardesty, a U of I assistant professor of human and community development. “They need clarity. They want to be physically and emotionally connected again.”
Stage 5 of leaving an abusive relationship: Being gone for six months or more marks the last stage of ending abusive relationships. “But even then they may have boundary ambiguity if their ex-spouse won’t let them go. With continued contact through court-ordered child visitation, the potential for ongoing abuse remains as well as continued confusion over the abuser’s role in the woman’s life.”
“Leaving a relationship is much more complex than just deciding to change, and it involves more than a woman’s prioritizing her safety,” said Hardesty. “Other actors are involved. The abuser makes decisions that affect a woman’s movement through the stages. And children can be a powerful influence in motivating a woman to get out of a relationship and in pulling her back in.”
If you’re struggling with a mentally or emotionally abusive relationship, read How to Find the Strength to Leave a Bad Relationship – Gloria Steinem.
And, to learn more about these five stages of ending an abusive relationship, read For Abused Women, Leaving is a Complex and Confusing Process from the University of Illinois (the source of these five stages of leaving an abusive relationship).
You might also find Letting Go of Someone You Love helpful.
“Don’t wait until everything is just right,” says Mark Victor Hansen. “It will never be perfect. There will always be challenges, obstacles and less than perfect conditions. So what. Get started now. With each step you take, you will grow stronger and stronger, more and more skilled, more and more self-confident and more and more successful.”
What are your thoughts or questions on these stages of leaving an abusive relationship? I welcome your comments below…
Dear Readers, thank you for your comments and questions! I read them all -- but I can't offer in-depth marriage, relationship, or family advice. ~ Laurie
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