The life lesson: leaving an abusive relationship involves five stages of separation. The successful woman: Tina Turner – one of the greatest singers of all time – who was in an abusive marriage for 16 years.
“Sometimes you’ve got to let everything go – purge yourself,” says Tina Turner. “If you are unhappy with anything . . . whatever is bringing you down, get rid of it. Because you’ll find that when you’re free, your true creativity, your true self comes out.”
Letting go, even when you’re in an unhealthy or abusive relationship, is one of the hardest things you’ll do. For more relationship help, click on The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing by Beverly Engel. And, read on for the stages of leaving an abusive relationship…
5 Stages of Leaving an Abusive Relationship – Tina Turner
According to a new University of Illinois journal article, abused woman go through a five-step process of leaving abusive relationships. Below are the fives stages, based doctoral candidate Lyndal Khaw’s dissertation work at the U of I. If you want to leave your partner are scared, read Overcoming Fear – Suze Orman and Cher.
Stages 1 and 2 of leaving an abusive relationship: “In the first two stages, women begin to disconnect emotionally from their relationships,” said Khaw. You hear them say things like, ‘I started not to care for him anymore’.”
Stage 3 of leaving an abusive relationship: In this stage, there’s a collection of abusive episodes and noticeable effects of the violence on children. “Women make preparations to leave, such as finding a place to stay or secretly saving up money,” she said. “This stage is important for women as they switch from thinking about leaving an abusive relationship to actually doing something about it.”
Stage 4 of leaving an abusive relationship: “Then, at Stage 4, when women take action, we see a lot of what we call ‘back and forthing’ because when women leave, the emotions often come back,” said Jennifer Hardesty, a U of I assistant professor of human and community development. “They need clarity. They want to be physically and emotionally connected again.”
Stage 5 of leaving an abusive relationship: Being gone for six months or more marks the last stage of ending abusive relationships. “But even then they may have boundary ambiguity if their ex-spouse won’t let them go. With continued contact through court-ordered child visitation, the potential for ongoing abuse remains as well as continued confusion over the abuser’s role in the woman’s life.”
“Leaving a relationship is much more complex than just deciding to change, and it involves more than a woman’s prioritizing her safety,” said Hardesty. “Other actors are involved. The abuser makes decisions that affect a woman’s movement through the stages. And children can be a powerful influence in motivating a woman to get out of a relationship and in pulling her back in.”
If you’re struggling with a mentally or emotionally abusive relationship, read How Do You Leave a Mentally Abusive Relationship? – Elizabeth Gilbert. And, to learn more about these five stages of ending an abusive relationship, read For Abused Women, Leaving is a Complex and Confusing Process from the University of Illinois (the source of these five stages of leaving an abusive relationship).
You might also find Letting Go of Someone You Love helpful, on Quips and Tips for Achieving Your Goals.
One last quotation for successful women: “Don’t wait until everything is just right,” says Mark Victor Hansen. “It will never be perfect. There will always be challenges, obstacles and less than perfect conditions. So what. Get started now. With each step you take, you will grow stronger and stronger, more and more skilled, more and more self-confident and more and more successful.”
What are your thoughts or questions on these stages of leaving an abusive relationship? I welcome your comments below…
Do you feel anxious or worried -- are your fears about work, family, relationships, or life in general holding you back? Consider trying a natural way to end feelings of anxiety and panic.
Interesting and informative. But will you write about this one more?
Glad you found this info on leaving abusive relationships helpful, Bunker. I’d be happy to write another article about this — was there anything specific you have in mind?
That is, do you have any specific questions about abusive relationships, or leaving bad partners?
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Apologize for my bad english, I am glad to read this article. I face alot of difficulties with abusive relationships but your article definately helps me in future. Thank You
Deirdre,
Thank you for writing — your English is fine! I wish you all the best as you deal with the abusive relationship. Come back if you need support…
Laurie
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Amazing how in stage 1 and 2 you feel like you don’t care for the abuser anymore; however in later stages, you become confused, as if you are in love with him again, but feel hatred at the same time. It is an enduring process which an abused person must undergo. Have patience with yourself. Resist the thoughts you may encounter which tell you that you are worthless, etc. It is not true. It is NOT your fault.
Thank you for your wise words, Amy. I’m really glad you shared.
“It is NOT my fault” is something women who were abused should repeat to themselves over and over….that, and “I am a valuable, lovable, and whole woman who deserves to be treated with love, respect, kindness, and compassion.”
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My, now former girlfriend, went back to her very abusive husband she was in the process of divorcing. I miss her so much and I pray every night for her safety. I still can’t believe she went back it kills me. She is the most beautiful, fun loving, down to earth woman I’ve ever met. I can’t stress enough how much I love her and miss her. I only wish I could have had more time with her to show her that life doesn’t have to be the way it is with him. I miss MY BEAUTIFUL, terribly.
Dear Al,
I’m sorry to hear that your former girlfriend went back to her abusive husband. That’s very sad — but maybe she’ll soon realize that she doesn’t have to stay in an abusive relationship, that she can be with someone loving, kind, and compassionate (like you!).
Keep praying for her…many women do find the strength and courage to leave abusive relationships. Sometimes it requires leaving many times, but it eventually sticks and they’re out for good!
Blessings, and thanks for sharing here.
Laurie
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Brian,
Thanks for your perspective — I’m glad to hear from you!
Regarding your question about making relationships work: I think it depends on how long the abuse has been happening, what the reasons or roots of the abuse are, whether the abusive partner is willing to change, and whether the abused partner is willing and able to reconnect and rebuild trust.
I don’t there’s a “one size fits all” answer. Some couples can, as you put it, take a stand and hold the ground the lovers once stood on. Others need to part ways because they just don’t bring out the best in each other. Many women are like your girlfriend, who just can’t start to trust again after years of broken promises and abuse.
Yes, there is a way to break the patterns that an unhealthy or unhappy childhood caused…but it does take time and energy.
Thanks for your suggestions on helping people who abuse! I like your idea of adding articles that focus on ways to cope during the healing process.
I wish you all the best in your relationship.
Blessings,
Laurie
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In my situation i really need help my babyfather i tried to leave him and im still tryn but no matter what he gets in contact with me n my son i he stomps me beats me slaps me and im only 20 years old i never been with another man and im to the point where i don’t wanna live ne more but i have 2 kids to take care of he doesnt help me out at all with them all he does is talk trash about what they aint doin in so many occasions i left but he found me becuz of my family all i can do is cry becuz no matter what i gotta get out of SC for the sake of my children God allows things to happen 4 a reason and I am learning that every day plz write back
Dear Kiara,
I’m so sorry to hear about your boyfriend. You’re in a scary situation, and you need to get help!
Please call a distress line or local women’s shelter. If you want to leave this abusive relationship once and for all, you can’t do it alone. You need to reach out for support and resources. There ARE people out there who can help you — but you really need to call someone in person.
This is hard advice to give, but when you leave again, don’t tell anyone in your family. Or at least don’t tell the members who told your boyfriend where you were, the last time you left him.
You need to be strong, my friend. And the best way to be strong is to surround yourself with people who can help you, who are supporting you.
Will you call a women’s help line, and tell me what they say? I hope to hear from you soon…
Laurie
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I am finally free and scared. I once was a Advocate working to end violence against Native Women. Only my boss, was/is spiritually ill. My life seems to be on a rollarcoaster at this very moment
I’m in an abusive relationship at this time as well. I am Native American and he is Mexican. We have small children together and I can’t seem to leave because I feel I can’t take care of them alone. I keep telling myself I will leave when they are older but then again will I still be alive or have any self esteem left by then? I’m abused in everyway, physically, emotionally, mentally, and verbally. Yes, I do feel it is my fault. I love and him and I hate him and he knows that I won’t leave. I get through each day with mixed emotions that are bearable enough to continue staying with him.
Dear Confidential,
I’m glad you’re free…and I suspect your fear will decrease! It’s a scary place to be — free from an abusive relationship — and I hope you can surround yourself with all the support and love you can handle.
I hope you let me know how you’re doing…
Blessings,
Laurie
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Dear Dawn,
My heart breaks for you. You’re in such a difficult place, and I won’t say I know how you feel because I don’t!
But I do want to encourage you to call a distress line or women’s shelter, just to learn about the options you have. Who knows…it may be easier than you think, to leave that abusive relationship and support your kids. You don’t have to make plans to leave him…but calling and asking for information can’t hurt, can it?
I hope to hear from you again.
Blessings,
Laurie
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Hi.
I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years, he was my first love and we had known each other for 7 years… He was beautiful great at the beginning and then we left to his home town and was terrible to me for a few months which really shocked me, he was yelling degrading pushed me grabbed me etc.
I went back home to my family ( i left him for 5months to another state) i started visiting him again, as I was in contact with him via phone, he didn’t care that i left him at the time, but he always said he loved me, he said he was depressed etc.
he is a very ambitious man, yet has lost a lot of money gambling ( poker online believe it or not) he hasn’t gambled in 9 months now which is good, but he has lost 50thousand in cash through gambling previously.
I took a flight and visited him back and forth. He hurt me everytime, he kicked me, everytime I cried he hurt me more. He got councelling and said, he can’t lose me loves me too much…
I ended up moving back to live with him 3 months ago.
He hurt me xmas day ( a month ago) since I moved back in with him to the point I was bruised on my arms and legs and crying all xmas day due to him hurting me. He promised me again that he will change and he wants to be more calm and not fire up so quickly and think he is going to lose me. I know he loves me very much, but i am so scared and have lost so much trust for him.
I come from such a beautiful home beautiful family background and I have never seen this type of behaviour before. He comes from a father who abused his mother ( I don’t know how bad it was, but he resents his mum not his dad which scares me alot)
He wants us both to go to councelling because he knows he is in the wrong and wants to change…
Do you think people change if they want to, or do you think I am in a dead end situation???
Thank you
I have read lots of posts and books about leaving bad partners etc. My situation is different, I think,maybe I’m in denial, I dont know. You tell me. My husband has always had a problem with alcohol got drunk, said mean things to me, never the kids, punched holes in walls, destroyed things, made me feel like I had to walk on egg shells. We have been married 11 mostly unhappy years, I struggle to find joy in any of the time. Over the summer it became physical, I slapped him in the face for something he said and he beat the crap out of me. I went throught the order of protection, out of the house for 8 weeks etc, after that time he made a commitment to me not to drink and go to these counciling classes, they are mandatroy, I let him come home and things have been fine. He is in a mandatory anger management class, I have seen true change from him, he is not drinking now, I am fearful everyday that he will. I know that if he were to drink again, I would leave for sure without question, I strugle to determine my feelings about staying after the pain and hurt. I see change but I don’t know what I want, is it possible that this could all be apart of the honeymoon phase but it is lasting longer. Is that to say then that people can not change? How long does someone have to be different for that to become who they are. He will graduate from this class soon, and they have asked him to come back and teach it to others. That confuses the hell out of me, he has no proper background, what does that mean, are the people who taught the class once abusers who now teach also? Can a person really change this drasticlly, if so how do I decide what I want , do I want to really give him another chance. For now I am stuck here, I am going to school and will graduate in January 2011 so I can support myself if I need too. I feel like I have time to make the decision but problem is I am so confused. I ask you two questions, is it really possible for someone to change so dramaticly, and how do I know if I love him, or the idea of him and a family?
confused
Dear Jo,
Yes, I definitely think people can change….but they need to be highly motivated, and they need support as they make changes in their lives.
It’s great that your boyfriend wants to get counseling! But, HE’S the one who needs counseling — not you! I’m 150% for couples counseling, but I’ve learned that individual counseling is necessary when one person in a relationship is dealing with major issues. And, hitting someone you “love” is a MAJOR issue.
I suggest you take him up on his offer of counseling…and I think the counselor will want to see him individually. I know he’s already been on his own, but it obviously wasn’t effective! I also think you should live in your own place while your boyfriend sorts himself out. Give him time and space to deal with his issues….give him time and space to prove that he can love you in a healthy, good, non-abusive way.
I think the bottom line is that if you’re willing to live with him exactly like he is for the next 50 years, then stay with him. Don’t expect him to change. If you want a better, healthier, more loving relationship, then find your own place and give him time to work through his problems.
I also encourage you to tell your friends and family how abusive he is to you. If you can’t tell the people you love what kind of man he is, then he’s not the right man for you.
Let me know what you decide — if you’re trying couples counseling, or if you’re moving out….
Blessings,
Laurie
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Dear Confused,
First of all, congratulations on being in school so you can support yourself if you need to! That’s great — very exciting. And, I’m glad to hear about his mandatory anger management class…that’s good for him.
Yes, I do think people can change dramatically. I don’t know if your husband really has changed, but I believe people CAN change. I also don’t know how long he needs to not be abusive in order for you to trust him again…but I suspect it would take a long time. After all, you had 11 unhappy years together. How can you expect to suddenly forget all that, and love him up as if nothing happened? You can’t.
Trust and love can be destroyed, and it can take a long, long time to rebuild it. Sometimes trust and love can’t be re-established, especially in a long-term abusive relationship.
It’s interesting that they’ve asked him to teach this class. I think the people in that class will be able to relate to a former abuser better than a teacher who just has textbook knowledge, which may be why they asked him to teach it.
You asked a really important question: how do you know if you really love him, or if you just want to keep your family intact? Some women stay in unhappy marriages because they love their husbands in some way, despite being unhappy or even being abused. Some women stay in unhappy marriages because they want to keep their family intact. Ultimately, if you want to rebuild your relationship with your husband, then your exact reasons may not matter! What matters is you decided to stay with him…
If you have to stay with him until you get your education, then you don’t have to make a decision for another year! So, you live with him for the year and see what happens. Your decision may become clear as the spring, summer, and fall progresses.
If you have somewhere to live, it might be worth considering a separation for six months or so, until you feel less confused and more sure of what you want out of your life. I don’t know if this is the right thing for you to do…
I encourage you to call a women’s shelter or distress help line, and talk your thoughts and feelings through with someone in person. Sometimes just saying what you think and feel makes things more clear and can help you see what you really want. And, a help line will be able to give you information about resources for women in abusive relationships….
I’d love to hear from you again, and hope you come back and let me know how things are going! My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Blessings,
Laurie
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I was in a physically and sexually abusive relationship from the ages of 14 to 18. (I am now nearly 22). I was with a lad and him and his dad were both abusing me.
I am now with a man who treats me very well and I know he would never hurt me. We have been together for 3 years and we are getting married in april.
BUT….I have started to miss being in an abusive relationship. Its like I want all those bad thinsg to happen again. Why would I want that?
I keep trying to wind up my partner so that he will hurt me (he doesnt, he just walks away) but I keep pushing and pushing, desperate for him to hurt me. Do I like being a victim?
Help! Before I push him away….please!
Surfing the web and found your site. I am the recipient and survivor of intense physical and mental abuse inflicted upon me by the man I loved. (A very handsome man, loved by all–whom did not know what he was like behind closed doors.) From the ages of 17 through 21. I left with my child 28 years ago. Yes, it was a long time ago, none-the-less the same experience as many, that has affected every single day of my life since. Reading everyone’s letters takes me back, being able to recall everything. I too, had been raised in a very good family never having before seen this type of behavior. The first three years were beautiful, never an indication of what was to come. The apologies always happen, some time goes by and then it happens again. Further along as time goes by, the occurrences happen more frequent. Eventually you’re kept from family, kept from friends. You make up excuses, you’re embarrassed, you don’t want anyone to know.
Please let me tell you … love (true love) DOES NOT hurt. What is being done to you, is NOT your fault (even though he may say its so) and you do not deserve to be treated in this manner. If you even once question, should you leave? — you already know the answer. If you were being treated as one should be, that question wouldn’t even arise. And just think about this … this person treating you like this, would never allow another person to treat them that way. There are laws against being physically abused, because it is WRONG. If you have no one to confide in, call a helpline (they’re in every city and town)– you do not need to give your name, but can find out what your options are and go from there. I left with nothing but with myself and my child. I will not glorify that it is easy, but if you are determined to seek and make your life better, you can do so. I had gone from beatings every couple of days, punched, slapped, kicked–ohh just everything you can think of (always being told it was my fault, when I had never even opened my mouth to him beforehand) broken bones, stitches, hospital visits, had dropped down to 89 pounds–on and on. To now an excellent career, a very loving relationship of the last 20 years with whom he has never once touched me in a bad way and my child is very very successful.
Please, please BELIEVE that you deserve and are worthy of happiness, it is truly out there. God Bless You.
Dear Bex,
Thanks for sharing this part of your life with us — and congratulations on your upcoming wedding!
It sounds like you really want to be healthy and have a happy relationship, but those old tapes or messages from your past won’t go away. Sometimes our past is like that — it has such a firm grip on us! That’s normal…what you’re going through makes sense. We create what we know, we create the worlds we’re most comfortable with…even if they’re not good for us.
I encourage you to talk to a counselor or therapist, because overcoming those tendencies on your own can be extremely difficult. You’re reverting back to what’s normal for you — and that itself is normal behavior. We seek our comfort zones, even if they’re painful or destructive. We tend to set up our lives in the way we’re most comfortable with, and it’s not always about happiness, health and wellness, or empowerment.
If you can’t afford to see a counselor, call your local church or a spiritual organization. They often provide free counseling. And, call your local distress line or women’s help line, because they’ll be able to give you the support you need to build a healthy relationship with your wonderful man!
Let me know how it goes when you call those organizations…I hope they help you. Get in person support, because trying to get healthy on your own just doesn’t work as well.
Blessings,
Laurie
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Renea,
Thanks for sharing your story here! You are a source of inspiration and comfort. It’s great to hear from strong, courageous women who left abusive relationships…it helps us know that we CAN have better, more successful, happier lives.
Be well,
Laurie
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I been in an abusive relationship, both phyiscally and mentally for the last 9 years. As an result of this tradgey I have a beautiful young 7 year old child who is the love of my life. I have stayed for many selfish reason mostly for the ones of my own. My mother and brother died when I was 4 years old which left left me feeling alone in the world, because I had no other siblings and my father was no where to be found. I was blessed to have a grandmother who loved me enough to not place me in one one’s care but her own and she raised me to be much more intelligant then this. I have never seen any of the things that I have allowed myself to go through, but after 5 long years of batteling with dementia, she lost her life on the 21, of January 2010 and even though I physically have no one but my son, I feel compelled to be stronger because I do not want to lose my life and leave him in the position that I am today. I have asked this man to leave my home on a many occaisions and of course he is a coward and want go and makes me feel gulity because his life is the same as mine telling me he has nobody.
But at this point I do not feel that there is any healing, because of all the wounds that I have endured since he has been in my life. He tears up possessions, he hits me and calls me out of my name and all of this in front of my son. My son does loves him but wants him to go because of the way that he sees this P**K treat me. So how do I leave peacfully not feeling gulity that I have walked away from the only other physical presents that my child has and be able to move if he never comes around.
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Dear Stacey,
I’m so sorry for talking so long to respond! It feels like yesterday that you left your comment, and here a week has passed…I hope you accept my apologies for not replying sooner.
And, I’m even more sorry for all that you’ve endured. You sound like such a survivor! You’ve lost alot, and been through alot — and you’re doing the best you can for your child and yourself.
I think you can leave an abusive relationship peacefully if you remind yourself that simply having a physical presence in your child’s life is NOT enough. Anyone can live with you — but not anyone can love you or your child in a healthy, affectionate, honorable way. So yes, you’re walking away from a physical presence….but it’s not the best one for your child, so you can feel assured you’re doing the right thing.
Please call a local women’s help line or distress line. You need to talk to someone in person, who can support and guide you. You need to access the resources in your area — because there IS HELP out there! But, it won’t come looking for you….you need to go looking for it.
Call a women’s shelter or help line, and tell me what they say, okay?
I hope to hear from you again.
Blessings,
Laurie
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Hi
I would like to help women in need of relocation and job trainning can you tell me who i should talk to
thank you laurie for your advice. I had a pretty bad time just now with my boyfriend, yet before this we had a beautiful late lunch together and when we came home, we ended up in an argument which he took too far. I just realised it was only a month ago that he hurt me badly – when you start writing down in a diary how often your loved one hurts you, I think you will all be surprised. It really is not right and I don’t understand why these type of men are like this – I also get very scared that he will do something stupid to himself, because he always says he will end it all and gets a knife and it freaks me out so much that i go to him to because i get scared he will hurt himself.
You never know when it is going to happen, we had a beautiful day lovely lunch then out the blue we get home, an argument.
Thanks again for everyone’s help and your advice laurie
Joe,
That’s great that you want to help women in need of relocation and job training! I suggest contacting the local colleges and universities to find out if you need a diploma or degree. You could also call a women’s shelter, distress line, or even an employment counselor to find out what qualifications you need.
Good luck — let me know how it goes!
Laurie
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I have been with my boyfriend for seven years, he is very smart and sly and a smooth talker. Recently I posted an apology to my neighbor on craigslist about all the noise we have been causing from our arguments and his yelling at me. Amazingly enough, he saw the post and responded telling me he feared for my safety and he gave me some resources to get help. At first it was hard to swallow because i was in denial that it was really that bad, but then I started reading about abusive relationships online and I told supportive friends and family members and saw a therapist. After hearing about everything they all agreed and while he was out of town I moved out and I am totally free! I am scared and excited at the same time, I am staying with someone that he doesn’t know and I feel like I am on the right track but he hasent returned from his trip yet and I’m getting really scared of the unknowns, like what if he calls me and emails me non stop, what if he doesn’t? What is the aproriate way to talk to him if I have to? What if he shows up outside of my workplace?
Any advice would be greatly apreciated! I have talked to three people at the womens shelter and they haven’t been of much help with those questions…